What might be penciled into a calendar kept by a 17-year-old Brett M. Kavanaugh in the summer of 1982?
If Stephen Colbert is the one guessing, then on Aug. 7, 1982, the future Supreme Court nominee “stayed home to solve Rubik’s Cube [sober],” and on Aug. 11, 1982, he didn’t attend a party. “Party last night was awwwwwesome! I heard. Didn’t go.” Nor could he make the “rager at Mark’s house” on Aug. 23. “Some sick stuff went down. . . . One assumes. Was at home watching ‘A-Team.’ ”
“I believe it was the 1982 Alibi of the Day calendar,” Colbert said Monday on CBS’s “The Late Show.” “Who hangs on to their high school calendar? The only things I have left over from high school are deep emotional scars.”
Kavanaugh’s 1982 calendar — which he is expected to present before the Senate Judiciary Committee as evidence that he didn’t sexually assault then-15-year-old Christine Blasey Ford that summer — was just one common joke among late-night comics Monday, who skewered some Republicans’ quick-to-dismiss attitudes toward two women’s sexual misconduct allegations against Kavanaugh. The judge and the White House have denied them.
Ford, a psychology professor at Palo Alto University, has alleged that Kavanaugh drunkenly pinned her to a bed at a high school party, covered her mouth, and groped and thrust against her before she escaped, as she told The Washington Post. A second woman, Deborah Ramirez, alleged that Kavanaugh exposed himself while they were playing a drinking game in a group at a dorm party at Yale, then put his penis in her face, causing her to touch it as she tried to move away, the New Yorker reported. Ramirez said she remembered clearly hearing someone yell while running down the hallway, “Brett Kavanaugh just put his penis in Debbie’s face.”
“And a little further down the hall,” Colbert added Monday, “a 50-year-old Chuck Grassley yelled, ‘Get that man on the Supreme Court!’ ”
“I’m going to be honest with you. It feels like most people have already decided the merits of this case based on where they stand politically,” Trevor Noah said during his Kavanaugh segment on Comedy Central’s “The Daily Show,” referring to the judge’s nomination. “What’s interesting is seeing how far some Republicans are willing to take their support.”
Take Sen. Lindsey O. Graham (R-S.C.), for instance, Noah said. “What am I supposed to do?” Graham said in a recent interview. “Go ahead and ruin this guy’s life based on an accusation?”
“Ruin his life? Since when does not being appointed to the Supreme Court count as ruining someone’s life?” Noah said. “Lindsey’s acting like if Brett Kavanaugh doesn’t get this job, he has to go back to the diamond mines in Sierra Leone.”
Sen. Charles E. Grassley (R-Iowa) was also mocked by Colbert and Seth Meyers for the Senate Judiciary Committee chairman’s “bizarre apology” Friday to Kavanaugh on Twitter.
“He knows this is a tweet, not a text, right?” Colbert questioned. “Everyone can see what you’re typing, sir. ‘Dearest Judge Kavanaugh, I hope this Twitter letter finds you well.’ ”
“Oh my God, the most powerful people in the country can’t tell the difference between Twitter and texting,” Meyers said on NBC’s “Late Night With Seth Meyers.”
And then there was President Trump, who questioned in a tweet why, if the sexual assault against Ford “was as bad as she says,” she didn’t report it to authorities at the time, and has said what has happened to Kavanaugh is “unfair.”
“It’s not fair,” Colbert said in a mocking Trump voice. “It’s not fair that he had just three accusations and he might not get the gig. I had 19 accusations and they gave me the launch codes.”
But at the end of both Colbert’s and Noah’s segments, it all came down to Kavanaugh’s 1982 calendar.
Noah questioned how a calendar submitted as evidence to deny sexual assault claims would hold up in Kavanaugh’s own court — “You look at my calendar, it says no crimes, all day” — or if anyone would believe him if he said in his own calendar that he went to Zumba every day at 6 a.m.
“If the man has a calendar,” Noah said, “then case closed. Because everyone knows that if it’s not on your calendar, then you never did s—.”