The media today were nearly unanimous in their observation that the man who was coming to strangle them to death was impressively calm and far more measured in the verbal character and tone of his threats than usual. High marks were awarded.

In their pleasantly surprised reaction to his soothing tones, they felt it was only fair to lower their guard and let their attacker gently caress their neck, allowing to him to slide his small hands over and around their windpipe. They noticed and praised his meticulously clean fingernails and unexpectedly soft skin.

Media brushed aside worries that they were focusing on the wrong thing here, noting that they had long ago gotten into the habit of mixing up style and substance and that style analysis was a particularly strong suit for them. Allowing their attacker to approach ever closer was merely a way to see his exquisite cuff links and feel his warm breath more intimately. “Readers care about these things too,” they said, “not just the death of the environment, health care, education, immigration policy and truth. It’s a balancing act we do.”

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With regard to accuracy, they felt it was important to note that while their attacker was misrepresenting and lying as he always does, it was only fair to give him credit for getting better at his delivery of his falsehoods, calibrating his pacing and tone in a way that the public could really respond to.

Plus, their attacker also mentioned one of their favorite themes, as they let their guard down ever lower. Unity. He said beautiful words about unity and working together that nearly melted their fearfulness away. And when he asked for sacrifices and sharing in the task of obliterating skeptical reporting that might serve to preserve their lives and democracy, the media swooned into his arms and said, “You are a star. You can do anything you want.”

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