President Trump. (Jabin Botsford/The Washington Post)
Columnist

Get it straight, Google! There is no bad news about Donald Trump, only good news. If you can see bad news about him, something is very, very wrong!

Above is a nice photo of him, a flattering photo (although, of course, any picture of Donald Trump shows Donald Trump, and what more could any photographer hope for?)

Donald Trump’s wit is as effortless as it is delightful. He is as intelligent as he is well-versed in the day-to-day work of the presidency, and he is as beloved abroad as he is at home. Sometimes people criticize him, but that is because they are operating with a different set of facts than he is operating with. Donald Trump knows this, and it saddens and enrages him to think of all those people getting different sets of facts. That is why Google, Twitter and Facebook had better watch out.

An easy way to tell if your facts are good is to look at Donald Trump. Is he glorious and splendid? Is he perfect in every way? Does merely thinking of him clear your pores and strengthen your mind-body connection? Or is he a dire lump of malfeasance? If the latter, you had better hurry and get your mind straight before Donald Trump obliges Google to straighten you out! Do you think that anyone could disagree with Donald Trump for a reason other than them being A Vile Liar Who Is Rigging The System Against Him From Within, or perhaps a literal witch? Good. You had better not.

All of Donald Trump’s ideas are good; none of them are bad. Sometimes someone thinks Donald Trump had a bad idea, but that is because they did not hear him distinctly, or because they saw an Expert say so. (Experts are not to be trusted; by definition, they are people who claim to know more about a subject than Donald Trump, which is, I think, impossible?) Those people are to be pitied, but also censured, and possibly censored.

Donald Trump is right about everything, except when things are maliciously rigged against him by vile liars. If you think Donald Trump has ever been wrong, think again. Think harder! You will get there.

Donald Trump smells good, probably. Donald Trump is kind. Donald Trump is smart. Donald Trump is important. All cats admire Donald Trump. The greatest regret of dogs is that their regard for Donald Trump is not mutual.

If you could bottle his essence and rub it all over yourself, you would become irresistible, your luck would improve, and furthermore, birds would flock to you offering to collude and you would be able to understand them and tell them “No.”

Donald Trump’s veins are perfect, as are his arteries. Donald Trump never looks ridiculous, not even for a moment. Donald Trump does not snore, or, if he does, it is a soothing, pleasant sound that you might record and sell as a kind of white noise. Donald Trump always dances like people are watching, because no one who watched him dance could possibly do anything but approve. He is immensely clever and his voice is tuneful. On every occasion when it has appeared that he was ignorant of a fact or a lyric or even the hue of the flag, someone else was confused.

When the best that even people who are trying very hard to praise Donald Trump can come up with to say about him in their books is “he is certainly doing things differently,” they do not mean there is nothing better to say about him, they just mean that they are weak and small-minded and lack his boundless imagination.

He should definitely have had that parade, and it is a shame that he did not have that parade. No one has ever deserved a parade more. People love him, not only Mike Pence, but many, many people who are not Mike Pence.

Donald Trump has no reason to feel insecure about anything. Donald Trump needs no reassurance from anyone. Donald Trump is not threatening Google because its “News” results contain actual news, but because they are “treading on very, very troubled  territory” and they had better be careful. There is nothing alarming or pathetic about any of this.