President Trump’s tax returns
We definitely meant to look into this! Obviously this is important to people but, as the election showed, I guess not THAT important? We did write this down on a list of things to look into at some point, though, which felt like progress.
Trump family businesses — and whether they comply with the Constitution’s emoluments clause, including the Chinese trademark grant to the Trump Organization
Right, yes, this! We were going to get on this but we had to go on TV and yell about the flag and then it sort of got pushed aside.
Trump’s dealings with Russia, including the president’s preparation for his meeting with Vladimir Putin
Yes, absolutely, we were going to do this last Thursday but then we had to unload a dishwasher and then it was suddenly very late, too late to be doing work.
The payment to Stephanie Clifford — a.k.a. Stormy Daniels
We Googled this because we were keen on looking into it and then became distracted and forgot why exactly we were googling it and then it was 9 p.m. and we had to leave the office but first erase our browser history.
James Comey’s firing
We are pointedly not looking into this because this man annoys us.
Trump’s firing of U.S. attorneys
We wrote this down, but the handwriting on the note was very difficult to read and we thought it was a reminder to watch all of “Law and Order: SVU.”
Trump’s proposed transgender ban for the military
No excuse, just forgot.
Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin’s business dealings
We were going to look into this but then we had to have a long closed-door dinner with a magnate and forgot.
White House staff’s personal email use
We wrote “EMAILS” and assumed this was about Hillary Clinton, and we were like “I think we had 94 investigations of this already but I am of course game for a 95th” but then it turned out it wasn’t about her so we forgot.
Cabinet secretary travel, office expenses and other misused perks
Duncan Hunter said he would look into this but he didn’t see any problems.
Discussion of classified information at Mar-a-Lago
Oh gosh, yes, we totally meant to do this, so sorry! It just slipped our mind. We had the tab open and were composing an email and everything and then someone came to our desk and asked if we’d had lunch yet and we hadn’t.
Jared Kushner’s ethics law compliance
We just wrote “ethics JK” because we knew we would remember that JK was Jared Kushner and we needed to look into him but we forgot unfortunately and thought the note was making fun of the concept of ethics, so we didn’t do anything, apologies!
Dismissal of members of the EPA board of scientific counselors
We were going to do this AND have dinner with a wealthy oilman last Tuesday, but after the dinner we were just so exhausted that we lay down to rest our eyes for a quick minute and then it was morning.
The travel ban
We just wrote down “TRAVEL,” so then we booked 800 flights on a golden jet with Scott Pruitt! I am sensing that was not correct? Boy, we goofed!
Family separation policy
Oh my god, this does seem super important to look into, but we also had to pick up our dry cleaning that day and we were mentally exhausted.
Hurricane response in Puerto Rico
You know how sometimes you have just dropped the ball on something so, so mortifyingly much it is just easier to pretend you never received the email in the first place?
Election security and hacking attempts
This does seem important, and we’re definitely going to get to it. It has been the next thing on the agenda for literally months! Fortunately, there is time. When is the election?
White House security clearances
See, now the list is too long. And there are literally dozens more things on there! It’s sort of paralyzing when you think about all the horrible things we haven’t dealt with in any way. Have we considered that maybe none of these things are scandals? Because if they are all scandals, then we are just super behind and letting everyone down. Maybe they’re not!