A man places San Geronimo cheese wheels on a rack to dry. (David Paul Morris/Bloomberg)
Columnist

“Cheese and yogurt were found to protect against death from any cause,” proclaimed this article from NBC.

THAT’S RIGHT, ANY CAUSE!

CHEESE WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE.

CHEESES, TAKE THE WHEEL!

YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE AT DEATH’S DOOR? NO WHEY.

THIS IS WHY THEY SAY GOAT CHEESE IS THE G.O.A.T., BECAUSE OF ITS LOYALTY.

YOU WILL NOT EVER GET A GREY HAIR — NOT WHEN YOU HAVE GRUYERE.

UNLIKE IAGO, ASIAGO WOULD HAVE SAVED OTHELLO’S LIFE.

MONTEREY JACK WILL FIX YOUR BROKEN-DOWN AUTOMOBILE ON A DESERTED STRETCH OF ROAD.

CHEDDAR WILL FIGHT A BEAR FOR YOU. THERE’S NO PUN THERE, IT JUST WILL.

ARE YOU IN DANGER? SAY “CHEESE.”

CARVE YOUR LIKENESS IN CHEESE AND YOU WILL NEVER AGE.

VAMPIRES ARE CRETINS. WHY WOULD YOU DRINK HUMAN BLOOD WHEN FONDUE WILL DO THE JOB AND FURTHERMORE IS FONDUE?

BUILD YOURSELF A TEAR RICOTTA ARMY AND CRUSH YOUR ENEMIES.

MAKE CHEESE YOUR PROTECTOR. IT IS THE ORIGINAL SWISS GUARD.

TOSS LIMBURGER AHEAD OF YOU INTO A BUILDING TO SMOKE OUT YOUR ENEMIES. IT WILL! IT WILL DO IT!

BRIE IS EVEN STRONGER THAN CAPTAIN MARVEL.

STRING CHEESE WILL STRANGLE OR TRIP ANY ATTACKER WHO SEEKS TO HARM YOU. YOU SAW “HOME ALONE”? IT WAS A WEAK PREVIEW OF WHAT CHEESE WILL DO TO DEFEND THOSE IT LOVES.

ONE LOOK AT GORGONZOLA WILL TURN THEM TO STONE.

SWISS WILL OPEN A HOLE AND SWALLOW YOUR OPPONENT AND HE WILL NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

CHEESE WILL PROTECT YOU ANY WAY: WAX ON, WAX OFF.

(AMERICAN CHEESE WILL NOT WORK; IT IS NO GOUDA.)

CHEESE IS THE REAL MUENSTER.

CALL CHEESE. YOUR ENEMIES SHALL BE CRUSHED BENEATH THE WHEEL.

BUILD A SAFE HOUSE FROM CHEESE, A ROQUE FORT, AND NOTHING CAN EVER TOUCH YOU.

WHAT IS PENICILLIN IF NOT KIND OF A FORM OF CHEESE, KIND OF? UNLESS YOU ARE ALLERGIC TO IT.

CHEESE IS MOLD WITH LOYALTY.

LACTOSE IS INTOLERANT OF ANYONE WHO WOULD HARM YOU.

EAT YOUR CURDS AND WHEY, AS MISS MUFFET DID, AND SPIDERS CANNOT TOUCH YOU.

I HAVE NOT READ ANY OF THE ASSOCIATED SCIENCE.

ALSO CHEESE MAKES YOU IMMUNE TO FIRE. I BET. ADD FIRE TO CHEESE AND YOU JUST HAVE FONDUE.

“WHO MOVED MY CHEESE” WAS WRITTEN BY A MAN ANGERED BECAUSE HE KNEW THE SOURCE OF HIS IMMORTALITY WAS THREATENED. NEVER MOVE YOUR CHEESE FOR ANY REASON.

I understand that if I were to talk to the authors of the study they would say something like, “This is a correlation that needs to be looked into further — cheese does not actually confer the gift of immortality,” but this is why journalism is such a depressing practice frowned upon by those in power. No.

I BELIEVE IN CHEESES.