With apologies to New York magazine’s Intelligencer, which interviewed a gaggle of millennials who plan not to vote, here are some even better excuses.
Miranda, 22: I was going to vote, but then I thought I saw a moth.
Greta, 23: I was going to vote, but instead I thought I would build myself an entire house out of avocado and then Instagram it. I AM THE NIGHTMARE MILLENNIAL DESTROYER OF WORLDS! As a millennial, my only joy is in destruction. Killing golf was not enough for me. I wish to destroy democracy next. I AM A CRONUT.
Sandra, 25: Look, my district is so gerrymandered that my vote is mostly decorative.
Steve, 22: Was waiting to be told to Pokémon Go-to-the-polls; still waiting.
Andy M., 25: Still heartbroken over 2016, not ready to get into another relationship with a candidate yet. Can’t believe you would mention voting to me.
Andrea, 26: So insulted by all those links to what claimed to be Pete Davidson/Ariana Grande news that actually linked to voter registration that I am making the principled decision not to vote. That will teach them to condescend to me!
Greta again, still 23: cant vote im surrounded by too many avocados i can no longer move my limbs but it was worth it for the selfie i cant get out please tell my family i love them the room is growing faint
Sandy, 24: I was going to vote, but I felt like I didn’t know very much about the issues, especially not compared with other voters, like my aunt on Facebook who seems, like, super well informed.
Andy R., 30: Voting gives legitimacy to the system, and I don’t want to grant it that. I don’t drink tap water or use public streets. My only god is fire, and the only law I respect is the fist.
Emily, 21: I’m not voting because I had a very convincing dream that I voted and when I woke up, I was like, “Seriously, are you kidding me? I have to do all this AGAIN?” and it was just too much, you know?
Riva, 23: I saw an ad two years ago where Lena Dunham told people to vote, and I’m like, “Well, that CAN’T be right,” and so just to be safe I’m going to sit this election out.
Ina, 22: Look, I believe that it is better to be an informed nonvoter than an uninformed voter. I am going to let all the voters be the ones who are uninformed, and I, who have taken the time to learn about the issues, am going to sit it out. I am pretty sure this is correct. That, or the opposite of this.
Stanislas, 23: Mail makes me nervous. The stamps. The stamps are FOREVER. I can’t go back to the post office after the incident.
Idrees, 26: All the available candidates are unpalatable and do not spark joy.
Rory, 26: I am deeply upset with the solutions my party proposes, and I do not believe in incremental change. Look, if I voted for someone who only imperfectly represented my beliefs, people might be confused and think this was what I wanted, and I have no other way of letting them know than by waiting for the ideal candidate. Then you will see! You’ll all see!
Dave, 21: I don’t feel that I will know enough to vote until I have finished “Madame Bovary,” and I haven’t finished “Madame Bovary” yet.
Dina, 27: I don’t believe uninformed people should vote. I believe that knowing nothing about anything is disqualifying for anything except running for the highest office in the land.
Please, folks! Voter suppression is underway across the country — in North Dakota, restrictions requiring a street address instead of a P.O. box threaten the franchise of Native American voters; in Georgia, thousands of names have been purged from the rolls. Please don’t suppress yourself because you thought you saw a moth!
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