In Disappointment to Female Voters, 19th Amendment Passes Only Once
Truman Only Defeats Dewey For President
Disappointing Night for Rebels Who Only Manage to Destroy Death Star, Dashing Hopes They Might Also Have Engaged and Defeated Entire Imperial Navy
Waterloo Outcome Not All Wellington Could Have Hoped For, Fails to Deliver Napoleon Complete Rebuke
Edward Jenner, In Disappointing Find, Develops Smallpox Vaccine (Mumps, Rubella Remain Rampant)
Victory at Yorktown Could Have Been More Resounding
Moses Parts Red Sea in Half, Not Thirds
Faulkner Wins Nobel Prize for Literature, Comes Up Empty in Chemistry and Biology
Jesus Feeds 5,000, No More
NASA Manages to Land First Man on Moon, Falls Short of Mars
Read more from Alexandra Petri:
Texas, I see now that you love me and despise this Beto, and I embrace you
An anxious voter’s guide to understanding polls
Amazon threatens to cut HQ2 in twain to see who wants it most
