(AFP PHOTO/Rodrigo ARANGUARODRIGO ARANGUA/GettyImages)

I didn’t even know there were Elephant Moms until yesterday. As a Woman Who Works in Media Who Has Also Procreated, this is kind of embarrassing. The article published days ago. Where was I?

So I’m trying to make sure I’m on top of the next animal-parenting trend by making it up myself. Tigers, elephants and dolphins are taken. What animal can allow me to express my Parenting Philosophy (or at least *a* parenting philosophy) while maximizing judging of other moms’ approaches?

I brainstormed:

Anaconda Mom: Never mind; “Eaten Alive” moment is gone.
Ocelot Mom: Rarely seen, beautiful. Little is known about them.
Polar Bear Mom: Endangered, possibly deadly. Cold. Good with fish.
Prairie Dog Mom: Likes being in groups. Short attention span.

Then, I got it: Sloth Mom. This approach not only allows me to judge other moms’ approaches (I mean, it’s fine for you. I just wouldn’t do that because, you see, I love my child and want her to succeed). But by its very nature, it makes me immune to criticism because Sloth Mom doesn’t care about your take.

Sloth Mom loves her kids and lets them hang off her adorably sometimes, but she is a big believer in conserving energy. She’s perfectly happy to sit on the couch, losing on Level 104 of Two Dots again, while her kids play by themselves. She doesn’t sign her kids up for all the weekend classes and events because she doesn’t know about them and, well, it’s the weekend. Sloth Mom is proud if, when the family leaves the house, everyone is wearing two shoes and two socks.

I made editor and friend Amy Joyce muse with me about Sloth Moms on Twitter:

Maybe some moms don’t have Sloth Mom days. Or even moments. But why move if it’s not necessary? It’s fine if your kid is slowly pulling every square off that roll of toilet paper and spreading it around. Easier to clean it up later. Or leave it for Sloth Spouse.

You may also be interested in:

I blamed our messy house on my wife

In praise of middle-of-the-road parenting

Mommy the martyr: Stop overglorifying moms

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