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Breaking: There is a rosé shortage in the Hamptons

Amagansett, N.Y. (Michael R. Sisak/AP)
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I don’t want to alarm anyone, so I hope you are sitting down right now (are you sitting down right now? Please sit down if possible), but: There is apparently a rosé shortage in the Hamptons right now.

That is according to the New York Post, at least, which reported the news in the most delightfully New York Post-ish way imaginable:

We hear rumblings that restaurants and wine shops are low on local favorite Wölffer Estate, as well as imports like Domaines Ott and Chateau d’Esclans’ Whispering Angel, because the summering hordes have been tirelessly swilling all season long.

(It’s the “tirelessly swilling” that makes it art.)

The people of the Hamptons have endured such hardships before, though. Just two years ago, another rosé shortage was reported by the New York Post (which seems to have a dedicated rosé reporter covering the rosé beat at all times). One company refused to sell cases of rosé, instead telling people they could only purchase four bottles at once.

Meanwhile — and as if a rosé shortage wasn’t enough, because I think a rosé shortage would be more than enough for anyone — the situation in the Hamptons may be more dire than we first realized:

Please send your place cards, bottles of rosé and prayers to the Hamptons.