Above, you will find a video of a bear eating a woman’s kayak, despite her polite and fervent requests that it stop doing so. I don’t know why this bear is eating this woman’s kayak, because — as she points out — this kayak is plastic. It doesn’t even taste good! Come on, bear!
Anyway the whole video is obviously worth your time, but in case you cannot watch it right now, at this very second, don’t worry — I’ve prepared a helpful transcript.
We’re out here, trying our best to serve the readers, you guys.
WOMAN: Thank you for leaving my kayak alone!
I’m going to pepper spray you in the face, that’s what I’m gonna do to you.
[pepper spray sounds]
Get away from the kayak!
Get away from that kayak!
STOP IT, BEAR.
YOU’RE BREAKING IT! YOU’RE BREAKING MY KAYAK! WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? WHY ARE YOU BREAKING MY KAYAK? WHY ARE YOU BREAKING MY KAYAK?
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
WHY ARE YOU BREAKING MY KAYAK?
BEAR, STOP THAT. STOP THAT, BEAR. BEAR, STOP!
STOP BREAKING MY KAYAK, PLEASE. PLEASE STOP! GOSH DARN IT. OH, WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?
Bear, please stop! Please stop, bear! It’s the end of September, why are you here? You’re supposed to be asleep! Why are you here?
Stop that! Stop that! Bear, stop that!
BEAR, STOP THAT.
BEAR, STOP THAT.
Bear, stop that — please stop that, bear!
Bear, please stop that, please stop breaking my things. Oh, please stop breaking my things, bear!
Bear! Please stop breaking my things! It’s not — it’s not even food. It doesn’t even taste good! It’s just plastic! Bear! Please stop. Please stop, bear!
Bear, please stop. Please stop that, bear!
Bear, I don’t — Bear, I’m gonna bear-spray you, please stop!
Bear, please stop!
The Alaska Dispatch has more details if you’re interested. Or, you know, you could just watch this on loop until the end of time.