Out of love for the truth and from desire to elucidate it, the Rev. Martin Luther, Master of Arts and Sacred Theology, and ordinary lecturer therein at Wittenberg, intends to defend the following statements, unless, that is, the Pope declares them a heresy meriting a punishment of great bodily harm, at which point your faithful servant would then buy an indulgence to circumvent the consequences of penning his disputation.

He who gives to the poor, or lends to a needy man, does better than buying a letter of indulgence, unless the money from that indulgence goes to furnish the Pope’s fantastic hats, which are a delight to look upon and bring great joy to the hearts of every Christian.

May the protestations I assert here concerning the canons of penance become the genesis of a new movement of “Protestantism” within the church that shall hereafter spawn myriad denominations of faith through which, God willing, the foundations shall be laid for the drinking of coffee and the wearing of blue jeans in church.

If the Pope seeks by his pardon the salvation of souls and not monetary gain, then why ask money for the indulgences? Why not ask for teeth or fingers or other bodily things which hold no monetary value but require true contrition with which to part? And then keep the severed fingers and teeth in a large fragrant pile in front of the papal palace so that when passersby see it they say, “This gross pile reminds me that doing sins is inappropriate,” thus preventing further wickedness?

My neighbor Gerwalt was made to pay seven ducats for an indulgence absolving him for stealing a sheep. Seven ducats! For seven ducats he should be allowed to steal a THOUSAND sheep, and then train those sheep to scream the Lord’s name in vain!

Whoever it was who nailed a flier for their polka band’s show in Salzburg on this church door and thus covered up the original version of these theses I posted last week is in league with Satan and destined for Hell.

The Pope preaches madness when he says, “Martin Luther is fat.” It is the Pope who is fat. Martin Luther is plump in a healthy way, and naturally big-boned. Hell waits to swallow the Pope for his blasphemous declaration that Martin Luther is fat.

And why should anyone ever buy indulgences for the souls of the dead? Do people truly believe that Satan will open the exits to Hell because someone on Earth purchased a sheet of paper? Like, “Well, I was going to keep you enslaved in the lake of fire for all eternity, but then your uncle bought a thing”? That is dumb if people think that.

The Pope preaches blasphemy when he declares that anyone who dies by getting kicked in the head by a mule automatically gets into Heaven. I don’t know if the Pope preaches this, but it sounds like the kind of messed-up nonsense our total creep of a Pope would say to people.

Purchasing indulgences for a soul in Purgatory is blasphemy, but it is fine for a living person to purchase bowling trophies for their dead relatives in Purgatory. It is fine for someone to pay the Pope to have a bowling trophy appear in Purgatory with their father’s name on it so that their dead father can carry it around Purgatory and show it to other dead people and say, “I won this for being a great bowler before I died.”

Though the Pope’s blasphemous teachings regarding the canons of penance and his lies concerning the arduous path to salvation have already been herein maligned, I attest before God and man alike that I don’t think anybody should kick the Pope in the rump so hard that he flies into outer space. Nobody deserves that cruel fate.

I agree with the Pope 100 percent that murder is bad. For all of our disagreements, the Pope and I are completely on the same page regarding murder. Great minds!