Billionaire David Rubenstein raps and it’s as terrible as you’d expect

We sincerely doubt the following was Dr. Dre approved.

David Rubenstein, billionaire co-founder of the Carlyle Group, which invested in Dre’s Beats Electronics in 2013, recently added amateur rapper to his list of C-suite accomplishments. Just wait for it.

The scene: Starring in his company’s annual holiday video, MC Rubenstein heads to the studio rocking a pair of red Beats by Dre headphones to match his corporate tie.

“Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? You know, Dr. Dre is an incredible businessman and artist, and he even inspired me to write my own rap,” says Rubenstein before going full on “Boss, you’re embarrassing” mode. The rest of his rhymes go a little something like this:

It takes a lot of brains to do what we do,
Looking for a way to make some dough for you.
Energy, commodity, we do it all,
So pick up the phone and give us a call.
Corporate mezzanine, private equity,
Carlyle Group is the place to be.
We’re global, we’re mobile, we’re aiming to please.
Only goal in mind: serve the LPs.

LPs, LPs, serve the LPs
LPs, LPs, serve the LPs.
LPs, LPs, serve the LPs…

Ah, rap, the only musical genre that can bring together first ladies, CEOs and any other old person trying (and failing) to up their cool quotient.

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