Dear John,— Carol Ishii (@gotaimnow) July 3, 2018
Marched six hours this weekend and still no sign of the enemy. We've been told they were at the golf course. It's the 120th time this has happened - must get better intel. Canadian allies made a beer-drop yesterday. xLovex
P.S. Send pretzels#secondcivilwarletters
My love,— Evan (@Tschudi_Davai) July 3, 2018
I'm unsure you will ever read this. I was captured at the battle of Starbucks and have been forced to watch the Dukes of Hazard for what feels like eternity. When I asked for water, I was given Budweiser, when I asked for bread I was given KFC.#secondcivilwarletters
Dearest husband, we of the condo owners infantry have bunked for the night at Anytime Fitness. We will do battle with enemy at Crossfit come the dawn. We run low on Clif bars. #secondcivilwarletters— InfiniteElaine (@LinerElaine) July 3, 2018
My Darling,— Kelli Crackel (@KelliCrackel) July 3, 2018
War is hell. The Battle of Trader Joe's lasted many days. We lost half our battalion, some to enemy fire, some to the dreaded Covfefe virus. I still live, but for how much longer I do not know.
Pray for us.#secondcivilwarletters
My love,— (((Swaggy T🇺🇸🌈))) (@Pokes86) July 3, 2018
I’m on the front line, pinned down between Williams-Sonoma and Chili’s. We’ve incurred heavy casualties (soccer travel season thinning our ranks), but morale is high. Just stay alive. I WILL find you, even if my iPhone is at 2 percent.
Dearest mother,— NI in NY (@caroltoddnyc) July 3, 2018
After the Prius Infrantry’s batteries died we have sought shelter in Chipotle where morale is low, as we are forced to wait days for the avocados to ripen. There is word that they are coming for us with their gluten. Pray for me. #secondcivilwarletters
Dearest Parents,— Tim (@tim_username) July 3, 2018
The mess hall has run out of avocados so I was forced to top my toast with jam. The fog of war is so trying at times that even my therapy unicorn brings no comfort. 😢 #SecondCivilWarLetters
Dearest Will:— Somewhere in Nature (@FPepoon) July 3, 2018
We await the Battle of Whole Foods and I think upon the many happy hours we spent here, searching for organic sunchokes and fresh, wild-caught salmon. How I long for your sweet kisses and a SmartWater. A kale salad would be nice, too.#secondcivilwarletter
#secondcivilwarletters— Ryan S. (@maybeprobablyme) July 3, 2018
War is not what Call Of Duty prepared me for.
Generals Eric and Jr. tell us we must hold the Hobby Lobby parking lot, but the Libs have posted signs saying "free beer this way." No one returns from the free beer.
My resolve is weakening.