Playing for Keeps,” starring Gerard Butler and Jessica Biel, was in theaters for about five minutes this holiday season. Insipid rom-coms are low on the Insider priority list, so although the film does offer numerous D.C. United references (Danny Allsopp!), we have no regrets missing out before it slips into Netflix queues and LaGuardia-to-LAX non-stops. One local reviewer described it as an “absolutely terrible film.”

In its absence, we have attached real “player” ratings and not-so-real soccer themes to other entertainment available during winter hibernation…..

“Skyfall”: 9 (James Bond can’t stop the sky from falling on U.S. goalkeeper Brad Guzan and porous Aston Villa, which conceded 15 goals in three English Premier League matches last week.)

“Ted”: 6 (Frat-boy humor featuring former English striker Teddy Sheringham, Swedish international Teddy Lucic and 13-capped American Ted Eck at Jerusalem’s Teddy Stadium. No stuffed bears were injured during filming.)

Poacher the Imp

“Lincoln”: 8 (Poacher the Imp, mascot for fifth-tier Lincoln City, narrates this no-holds-barred documentary about the Lincolnshire rivalry with Boston United.)

“Les Miserables” stage production at National Theater: 8 (Thierry Henry as Jean Valjean, Arsene Wenger as Bishop Myriel.)

“Beasts of the Southern Wild”: 9 (Radamel Falcao stars in this trilogy chronicling Colombia’s nine goals in consecutive World Cup qualifying victories over Uruguay, Chile and Paraguay.)

“Django Unchained”: 8 (Zenit St. Petersburg supporters’ group will not like the casting.)

“Snow Fall,” a New York Times special report: 9 (“The Benny Hill Show” theme, Yakety Sax, is on continuous loop as MLS Commissioner Don Garber futilely shovels Red Bull Arena before a New York-D.C. playoff match.)

“Silver Linings Playbook”: 9 (Top-shelf cast. Dreamy protagonist. Cantankerous patriarch. Deep introspection. A happy ending. The story of the 2012 Los Angeles Galaxy.)

“This Is 40”: not seen yet (Nutty indie starring Seattle Sounders goalkeeper Marcus Hahnemann, an 18-year pro who turned 40 last summer. Co-starring a fellow American, Tottenham Hotspur keeper Brad Friedel, a 19-year pro who turns 42 in May and recently signed a new deal through 2014.)

Canada,” a novel by Richard Ford: 9 (Dark comedy about a country that lost hockey and faces a bleak international soccer future.)

The Impossible“: not seen yet (Sixth in a 29-part series about D.C. United’s quest for a new stadium.)

The Loneliest Planet“: 5 (Horror film about days without soccer during the holidays.)

Lionel Messi: All 91 Goals”: 10 (The finest 10-minute 10-second collection of artistry ever recorded.) Watch: