I can’t stomach writing a minute-by-minute recap of D.C. United’s 1-0 loss to Kansas City; chronicling every minute of a United match is like live-blogging a colonoscopy. The highlights tell you everything you need to know: Kitchen made a terrible back-pass, Jeffrey couldn’t finish a one-on-one chance in which he had more time available to him than Marty McFly, and from there the game was essentially Kansas City stealing United’s backpack and tossing it around like a bunch of mean bullies.
It’s time to look forward; actually, it’s well past time to look forward, because United was mathematically eliminated by Easter. Steven Goff just completed a look at where things stand, and I don’t have any complaints with his analysis. Oh, I have complaints about the situation, but the analysis — which basically boils down to “things be bad” — is spot-on.
But all is not lost! First, let’s consider how sweet it will be when United hands pink slips to players who haven’t made the grade. In the interest of not kicking people while they’re down, I’m not going to name names, but you know who I’m talking about. I’ve had elaborate fantasies about giving certain players their walking papers. I wish there was a sweepstakes where I could win the opportunity to jump out of the stands after the season’s final whistle and hand a pink slip to you-know-who.
Then, let’s remember how much cap space United will have after it fires just about everyone. McDonald will be off the books, and if De Ro comes back, it’ll be for less. United also gets extra funds for missing the playoffs and for qualifying for the CONCACAF Champions League, so in a way the team played things perfectly! It was lousy like a fox!
United also gets the first pick in the draft, an opportunity to make some promising young player force a smile and pretend to be excited about joining the mangled wreckage of what used to be our team. It’s like graduating summa cum laude from Cal Tech and getting drafted by Ask Jeeves.
United also has several players young enough to play extras on “Glee.” They’ll get better as they learn to stand on their baby giraffe legs.
But the biggest reason for optimism remains the prospect of a new stadium. If that deal goes through, I suspect that United’s days of shopping in the bargain bin are over. The moment when this franchise goes George Jefferson is coming. Look at how much swagger he has while he walks through that door. That could be us.
Maybe next week I’ll write a post about reasons for pessimism, which will mostly center around the fact the brain trust that recently brought us Rafael, Raphael 2.0, Carlos Ruiz and Marcos Sanchez is in charge of the rebuilding plan. But forget the rebuilding plan — let’s just enjoy the demolition plan first. Because, man, it’s gonna be sweet.