Now it’s really clear why Amy Schumer turned down the chance to host “The Daily Show.” Sure, she said it’s because she doesn’t want to play it safe, but I think she’s setting her sights on a show that needs her more: “The Bachelorette.” Schumer is a big fan of the franchise; she had a cameo this season and has said that the current Bachelorette, Kaitlyn Bristowe, is Schumer’s “favorite person that’s ever been on” the show.
And Monday, Schumer said that she’d be the next Bachelorette for “a bunch of money,” a better casting process and the artistic license to be herself.
I’m new to the show (this is the first season I’ve watched), but I’ve seen enough to know that Schumer would be the best Bachelorette ever. Let me count the ways.
1. She’d show up in no makeup.
Imagine this: The limos pull up for the contestants’ first hello with our Bachelorette in a ball gown and bare face.
Okay, maybe that’s too radical for reality TV and the boy-band handsome men cast on the show. Less shocking alternative: Schumer could start out a full face of makeup on Day One and gradually taper down. First drop the fake eyelashes, then lip liner and so on. By the time those final men make it to the Fantasy Suite, they’ll see what the girl of their dreams looks like while she’s actually dreaming. Can they handle it?
2. She’d sound like a real person.
As Schumer told E! News: “I would be very honest, and I don’t think there’s room for that in that franchise.” Probably not, but it would make for better television.
With Schumer, we’d hear the word “connection” and “listen to my heart” a lot less. She’d regularly cut the guys’ egos down to size, as she did with J.J. during the stand-up comedy group date this season. When he was concerned that he’s too smart for 90 percent of the audience, she soothed him: “I want to make you feel better — you’re not.”
3. Her dates would be more realistic.
Instead of over-the-top romance, Schumer’s dates — group and individual — could aim for simple brilliance. How does he handle a sexist video game? How does he fare in couples counseling or in a training session on the art of female emotional combat?
For some real fun, Schumer could have a one-on-one with a dude’s ex. Schumer might ask: So tell me what he’s like in bed? Why did things end?
4. She’d be frank about sex and gendered double standards.
None of this talk about “off-camera time.” Schumer wouldn’t use euphemisms or be apologetic about “being intimate” with anyone. Schumer would call out any slut-shaming rather than feel guilty about anything. Exhibit A: Her defense of Kaitlyn’s off-camera time with Nick last week.
And as someone who has somehow mastered the art of a feminist rape joke, Schumer could talk about the serious stuff in a way that’s deep enough for the Ian’s of Bachelor Nation while still palatable for television. (Maybe not palatable for ABC, but the outtakes could run on Comedy Central.)
5. Her home town dates would be really awkward. And amazing.
If a Bachelorette wants to see what her suitors’ families are really like, home town dates should be unsupervised; the contestant should not attend when Schumer meets the fam. Let’s see how Schumer talks potential Mom-in-law through her laptop problems. If they can be civil through a tech-support situation, they’re golden for a prospective life together.
For the guys who are fathers, Schumer could be left alone with the child to explain that she might be the kid’s new mom.
I mean, no promises or anything, but you are in the running to get a new mother. Maybe. I’m still keeping my options open, sweetie. You may or may not see me again.
Cue the tears. Because we can’t have a Bachelorette without tears.
6. She wouldn’t be all about finding a husband.
Maybe Schumer’s season would end with love, maybe not. Most of the franchise’s couples don’t end up together anyway. But at least she’d laugh her way through breaking up with 24 guys along the way.
7. Her rose ceremonies would be roasts.
“This is gonna be an absolute massacre.” That’s what Schumer said while leading the stand-up group date earlier this season. And that’s what we could expect out of her rose ceremonies, too. Enough with the earnest speeches about what a great group of guys this is or that it’s so hard to say goodbye!
She would no doubt tell these guys why they’re getting the ax, in the nicest way possible. Sample Schumer #realtalk: “J.J.’s a sweetheart. He’s just missing like charisma and humility and sense of humor. … But other than that, basically you should hire him as the next Bachelor.”
And hire Schumer as the next Bachelorette.