1. He broke all his fingers. Texting with your nose is really hard.
2. He’s working a lot. Like, a lot. He is now an indentured servant. Also he lives in the 18th century, when indentured servitude was common and cellphones were not.
3. His dog ate his phone. He doesn’t have a dog. Okay, he adopted a dog since you last saw him, and his new dog ate his phone.
4. He met someone else. And broke all his fingers.
5. He’s out of the country. There’s no WiFi where he went. He didn’t know he was going. He’s a CIA agent. You don’t want to date a CIA agent anyway. They never take you anywhere cool.
6. He got back together with his ex-girlfriend. And she ate his phone.
7. The zombie apocalypse is a real problem, but only in some parts of this city.
8. Beyoncé called. She wants him to be her backup dancer. It’s a really good opportunity. Backup dancers aren’t allowed to have cellphones because it’ll distract from their training.
9. Taylor Swift called. She wants him to be the romantic lead in her new music video. They flew so close to the sun his phone melted.
10. Hillary Clinton called. There can only be one Texts from Hillary. All staffers have to relinquish their personal possessions.
11. NASA called. He had to fly to Jupiter, right away. There’s a zombie apocalypse to take care of.
12. He doesn’t really want to date anyone right now. And he broke all his fingers.
13. He’s trapped in Kafka’s “Metamorphosis” and is now a giant cockroach. He has bigger problems than not being able to text you, like being turned over on his back and unable to right himself.
14. He went to see “Jurassic World” and fell in love with Chris Pratt. Who can blame him?
15. He was trying to text you when a coyote pushed a piano off the roof of a building. He’s fine, but he has amnesia. And all his fingers are broken. And his phone is busted. Plus, the zombies.