The Washington PostDemocracy Dies in Darkness

Yelp reviews for adult life experiences

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Personal Growth: 2 stars 

Personal growth came highly recommended to me by family and friends. It was much more involved than I initially thought. No one warned me about the commitment and irreversible side effects. I wish there had been a disclaimer about how unpleasant it would feel to grow as a person. But once I started the process, there was no way to quit. I was forced to confront all the worst aspects of myself and take responsibility to change them, making me more introspective and deepening my compassion for other living beings! My advice to anyone considering personal growth is to avoid if possible.

Friendship: 3.5 stars 

Pretty good, but did not come with instruction booklet. Not sure I’m using it right. Lots of maintenance involved. Not for everyone, but worth trying out if you don’t want to go through life alone. Would try again.

Detachment from Reality: 5 stars

Before I’d discovered this little number, I was enduring every experience completely cognizant of what was happening — and it was terrible. Now I wade in and out of consciousness, never quite sure if I am dreaming, overmedicated, watching a show or just dying. It’s given me the boost I needed to survive the landfill of feelings I find myself in every day.

Apocalyptic Dystopia: 3 stars

I was actually dreading Apocalyptic Dystopia. I had heard some pretty bad things. But if you can get past the poor air quality, the union of church and state, and all the cargo pants, it’s not so bad. One thing that’s helped make Apocalyptic Dystopia more enjoyable was to partially dissociate throughout the day. I continually remind myself that there are more important things than an inhabitable environment, personal safety and living under sound leadership. What’s truly important in life is that, deep in my soul, where it really counts, I still know all the words to Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” That, and a tiny computer I wear keeps track of every step I take so that I know I haven’t died without realizing it.

Love: ?????

Can’t explain why I got this. Very expensive. Manual is written in language I cannot find duplicated anywhere. LOTS of assembly required. My life was fine without it, but when it stopped working I thought I might die. Might have ruined my life forever. Looking forward to getting new model when it comes out in a few months.

Sex: 3 stars

Really great if it weren’t for the feelings involved (See Love). Did not come with instructions, but I found some online. I was fired for viewing instructions at work and am still very confused. Could not find anything in instructions about what to do after, despite tons of research. Spent lots of money on research. Still not sure I’m doing it right. Possibly dislocated both my legs. Is it normal to have so much rug burn?

Tinder: No stars

Please send help. Someone told me this would be fun. I think I might be in a relationship with a dog in sunglasses or possibly a modified Jeep. I am not a fan of off-roading. Yet cannot stop swiping. Not sure where I am. I might just live inside my phone now? No longer secure in my sexual orientation, gender or species. No longer secure in a lot of things. Just wanted someone to make Pad Thai with.

Making Pad Thai by myself: 5 stars

Pad Thai came out great. Didn’t have to talk to anyone. Didn’t have to wear pants. Highly recommend.


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