On Wednesday, two obese birds will be sent into retirement in an opulent ceremony at the White House. The beneficent ritual happens in anticipation of the annual mass consumption of their unlucky brethren, as political precedent mandates.

Michael Pollan told fellow Post writer Tim Carman this week, “It’s sort of an animal sacrifice in reverse — instead of killing the one to stand symbolically for the many, we free the one and kill the many."

In response, there will be those who plead with the government to pardon festive bean curd instead, like our neighbors in the northwest. There will be those who note that the current president has pardoned far fewer people than many other modern presidents.

But mostly, there will be awful puns.

1.

2.

3.

4.

Source: MSNBC, November 20, 2012

Source: MSNBC, November 20, 2012

5.

Source: U.S. Department of Interior, November 19, 2013

Source: U.S. Department of Interior, November 19, 2013

6.

Source: RecordNet, January 9, 1999

Source: RecordNet, January 9, 1999

7.

Source: Merced Sun-Star, July 15, 2010

Source: Merced Sun-Star, July 15, 2010

8.

Source: Cottage Grove

Source: Cottage Grove

9.

Source: Your News Now, Nov 19, 2014

Source: Your News Now, Nov 19, 2014

10.

Source: The Fiscal Times, November 20, 2012

Source: The Fiscal Times, November 20, 2012

11.

Source: Stewart J. Guss, November 23, 2013

Source: Stewart J. Guss, November 23, 2013

12.

Source: Patheos, November 27, 2013

Source: Patheos, November 27, 2013

13.

Source: Washington Post, November 23, 2006

Source: Washington Post, November 23, 2006

14.

Source: L.A. Times, November 23, 2006

Source: L.A. Times, November 23, 2006

15.

16.

17.

18.

19.

20.

21.

22.

23.

24.

25.

26.

27.

The only headlines about Thanksgiving turkey pardons that should not induce groans are the adorable ones about the "area turkeys" being sent on an exciting trip to the big city. On that point, we can all agree.