On Tuesday, President Obama will deliver his State of the Union address for 2015. While the policy recommendations might be novel, you can be sure they will have been placed in the same "Mad Libs" State of the Union formula presidents have been using for at least a century. Platitudes about how great America is will be plentiful. There will be anecdotes about Americans doing awesome stuff. God will be asked to bless.
This same rubric is often used for State of the Union addresses given by fictional presidents. See if you can tell the real platitudes from the fake platitudes from the jokes below.
If you do not see the quiz below, click here.
"With nearly 18 million new jobs, wages rising at more than twice the rate of inflation, the highest home ownership in history, the smallest welfare rolls in 30 years and the lowest peacetime unemployment since 1957. I stand before you to report that America has created the longest peacetime economic expansion in our history. For the first time in three decades, the budget is balanced."
"Nearly 200 years ago, a tattered flag, its broad stripes and bright stars still gleaming through the smoke of a fierce battle, moved Francis Scott Key to scribble a few words on the back of an envelope, the words that became our national anthem. Today, that Star-Spangled Banner, along with the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights, are on display just a short walk from here. They are America's treasures, and we must also save them for the ages."
"Putting Americans back to work has, therefore, been my administration's top priority... and it will be until every American who wants a job has one! Thank you. Here are three jobs that, as of noon today, were still available: Teezak Bros. Roofing in Hinsdale, Illinois, has an opening for a part-time bookkeeper. Contact Bob or Andy Teezak at 1-800-555-0199. Mike's Burger World on Route 7 in Bellevue, Washington is looking for kitchen staff. Applicants must be available nights and weekends, and willing to wear a hairnet. And... Local 507 of the carpenters union has a position available for construction on the new Hudson County Courthouse in Jersey City, New Jersey. Starting wage is $45 an hour. And, like most jobs on this project, it's a no-show job. You can stay home all day! So... that's three jobs right there."
"My fellow Americans, as I start my third year as President, I'm happy to announce that the state of the union is the best it's ever been. We are in great shape. We are at peace, more people are jogging, we have the best Superbowl ever!"
"Now in a new century, when we meet and master new forms of aggression and hatred, ignorance and evil, our vigilance in the face of oppression and global terror will be unequaled by any moment of human history. And to the enemies of freedom, the enemies of democracy, the enemies of America, the enemies of humanity itself, we say here tonight with one voice. There is no corner of this earth so remote, no cave so dark, that you will not be found and brought to light and ended."
"But as Americans, we all share the same proud title: We are citizens. It's a word that doesn't just describe our nationality or legal status. It describes the way we're made. It describes what we believe. It captures the enduring idea that this country only works when we accept certain obligations to one another and to future generations; that our rights are wrapped up in the rights of others; and that well into our third century as a nation, it remains the task of us all, as citizens of these United States, to be the authors of the next great chapter of our American story."
"... against every challenge, of people of great works and greater possibilities who have always, always found the wisdom and strength to come together as one nation; to widen the circle of opportunity, to deepen the meaning of our freedom, to form a more perfect union. Our best days lie ahead. God bless you and God bless the United State of America!"
"Back over the years, citizens like ourselves have gathered within these walls when our nation was threatened; sometimes when its very existence was at stake. Always with courage and common sense, they met the crises of their time and lived to see a stronger, better, and more prosperous country. The present situation is no worse and, in fact, is not as bad as some of those they faced. Time and again, they proved that there is nothing we Americans cannot achieve as free men and women. Yes, we still have problems—plenty of them. But it's just plain wrong—unjust to our country and unjust to our people—to let those problems stand in the way of the most important truth of all: America is on the mend."
"Two years ago today, we had the first caucus in Iowa; a year ago, I walked from here to the White House to take up duties as President of the United States. Since I hope to do the same in 1981, you can be sure that I'm gonna stand before you today and tell you the State of the Union is sound! "
"So I say to the people of this nation: I am humbled by your greatness. I am humbled by the history being made here today, humbled by the notion that I am the first woman to hold this office. I'm humbled by the responsibilities that rest with me."