He's a "whack job" who "prattles on" with "his crazed ump of candyfloss hair" running his attention-seeking, "noxious presidential campaign."
That's how the international media sees Donald Trump, who is surging in polls for the Republican nomination for president stateside. They are, to put a fine point on it, stumped about the whole thing.
But, the world media is just as interested in Trump as we are: A web search of English-language world media since Trump announced his candidacy June 16 found him talked about almost twice as much as front runners Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton.
Stories about NBC dropping Trump's show "The Apprentice" after a nationwide furor over Trump calling Mexican immigrants rapists ran in newspapers from Singapore to Northern Ireland.
We decided to look through news articles abroad to see what the world thinks about our current, perplexing love affair with Trump. What we found wasn't pretty.
The headline in The Daily Mail in the United Kingdom on the day of Trump's June 16 blustering announcement read: "Trump: "I'm rich … so make me president."
John Niven in Scottish Daily Record & Sunday Mail wrote soon after Trump announced that the whole thing was hard to believe, drawing a metaphor from news Trump hired actors to cheer him on at his campaign launch:
Ironically, this is exactly what America would become if Trump was to become president - a cast of extras following a lunatic around.
Of course, this would all simply be hysterically funny if we didn't have to return to what I meant earlier by saying I having mixed feelings about Trump's candidacy for the position of world's most powerful leader.
There's the tiny problem that we're dealing with a country that not only elected Ronald Reagan but now thinks he was one of the greatest presidents in history. A country that elected not one but two George Bushes. A country now considering going again with a third Bush. That's right - a country so deranged that Trump could actually win the bloody thing.
Trust me, no one would be laughing then.
The Australian published a letter on June 18 declaring:
Reality TV star and real estate mogul Donald Trump has two things going for his ludicrous push to spend his 70s in the White House - a bottomless war chest and endless self-delusion. His evidence for billing himself as the "most successful person ever to run for the presidency, by far" was his ownership of a "Gucci store that's worth more than Romney". His qualifications to lead the world's greatest democracy are threadbare. The Republicans will want to get the Trump sideshow out of the way as early as possible. The first primaries are not due for another nine months and until then, if he perseveres, Mr Trump will be a distraction from the serious contest of ideas the party and the US need.
Nick O'Malley, a Washington-based writer for Australian newspapers, including the Canberra Times, followed Trump on the campaign trail and wired this report back home to his readers:
Trump announced his campaign last month with one of his typical rambling unscripted speeches, full of bluster about his own wealth and genius and the perfidy of foreigners, mainly the Chinese and Mexicans, with many of the latter labelled as rapists. The speech blew a hole in his business interests, with restauranteurs abandoning one of his key developments and broadcasters like Univision and NBC cutting ties with him. Even NASCAR wanted no more of him. But a disgruntled strain of conservative white voter - the sort that has been bewildered throughout the Obama presidency and preened to calls to "take our country back" - loved him for that speech.
And for The Age in Melbourne, Australia, O'Malley wrote this after Trump released his personal finance disclosures:
Any lingering hopes the Republican establishment might have had that Donald Trump would fade quietly from view were obliterated on Wednesday when new polls revealed a surge in his support, and his campaign team issued a press release confirming he had filed a financial disclosure.
Mr Trump is known for writing his own press releases, and this one was as flamboyant as the candidate's distinctive shock of hair.
Actually, Australian newspapers had a lot to say about Trump. John Kehoe, a Washington correspondent for The Australian Financial Review, filed this to his readers July 13:
The casino magnate has become a walking, talking circus for an entertainment-starved political media.
Tellingly, a section of conservative voters, and perhaps even some working-class Democrats fearful of losing their blue-collar jobs to cheap immigrant labour, identify with Trump's jargon.
Astonishingly, Trump has shot to the top of the Republican polls in early primary election states before voting in 2016.
He will be hard to shut up. All this spells trouble for a Republican Party trying to rebuild its image and broaden its appeal against the Hillary juggernaut.
Simon Barber in South Africa's Business Day used Trump's launch as a stepping stone to criticize Texas Sen. Ted Cruz on July 16:
If the whack job Donald Trump can top the opinion polls for the Republican nomination, as he was this week, chances are there's a wave of populist Republican id rolling in for Cruz to catch as well, once Trump has had his moment.
[Our Philip Bump agreed: Why Ted Cruz is defending Donald Trump]
Readers of the London Evening Standard got this story in their world section after Trump's July 11 visit to Phoenix, declaring "Trump's New World Border":
Donald Trump has won over US Republican voters with speeches to the party faithful, attacking the government of Mexico and outlining a plan to charge them $100,000 for every illegal-immigrant who crosses the border.
And Thailand's The Nation published this syndicated column from Jim Armitage of The Independent and London Evening Standard group of newspapers, that said:
Few things are more frightening than the thought of Donald Trump being president of the US.
But there is one: his idea of making corporate raider Henry "Barbarians at the Gate" Kravis his Treasury secretary.
Fortunately, Kravis today publicly declined the offer, saying: "That was scary."
You're telling me, Henry.
The German Press Agency carried Trump's presidential announcement in papers around the globe, including Thailand's The Nation, as: "Unapologetic and unabashed, Trump stumps to 'save USA'"
Of the 15 Republicans running for US president, the spotlight is currently shining brightest on a loud-mouthed billionaire with household name recognition who has never before sought public office.
On Thursday, Dave Hannigan of The Irish Times visited one of Trump's golf courses outside New York City, writing in the paper's sports page that "Noxious political campaign polluting Trump's ambitions for shiny new golf course:"
At various junctures around this critically acclaimed Jack Nicklaus design, green pipes and rotating vents periodically discharge methane gas from deep beneath the fairways, a legacy from the venue's previous life as a landfill.
As Donald Trump traverses America on perhaps the most noxious and gaseous presidential campaign in recent memory, denouncing Mexican immigrants as rapists and drug-dealers, this distinctive hot air feature at the newest club in his portfolio is almost too perfect a metaphor. The whole enterprise stinks.
Readers of the English-language Korea Times were treated to a June 18 syndicated column from the Tribune News Service, saying this:
But say this for Donald Trump: He is a brilliant salesman. It is a useful talent to have in politics. The man himself may have had his share of financial and professional challenges, but the Trump name endures as a distinctively American brand of gaudy luxury.
And our friends up north couldn't resist declaring "The joker is Trump" in a July 11 editorial in Canada's Financial Post:
How does one explain presidential hopeful Donald Trump's surge to first place in a new GOP primary poll? It is a threat the GOP must take seriously. With his money and his bluster, Trump could potentially do what Texas billionaire Ross Perot did as an independent candidate in 1992: take millions of Republic votes, and tip the election to the Democrats.
We're shaking our heads in vexation over Trump, but we can imagine Democrats' glee every time he opens his mouth.