The campaign of Marco Rubio released a video on Tuesday in which Rubio is peppered with random questions as he walks into a photo studio. The conceit is a little weird; for most of the video it looks like he's walking through a warehouse or something and it seems hard to believe that Rubio wasn't expecting this.
But that's not the point. The video is titled "15 Questions Marco Won't Be Asked at the Debate," which, given the questions, is accurate. It means, though, that no one is actually debating anyone on these topics, some of which are deeply controversial.
Allow us. Below, Rubio's more arguable points (leaving out things like, "What's the first thing you thought of this morning?"), and our arguments for or against them.
Question 2: Twitter or Facebook?
Rubio's answer: Twitter.
Our* reply: This is correct. This is not actually a hard question.
Question 6: Favorite Miami Dolphin of all time?
Rubio's answer: Dan Marino.
Our reply: This is a bit like asking someone Rubio's age, "Who was the best player on the Chicago Bulls in the 1990s?"
Of course Rubio's going to say Marino. Rubio was born in 1971, the year before the Dolphins started their perfect season, so it's safe to assume Rubio wouldn't say anyone from that team. When he was 13, Marino led the Dolphins to the Super Bowl, where they got crushed by the 49ers. Born in Florida, but living in Nevada at the time, it's safe to assume that Rubio -- who played football -- was paying attention to what the Dolphins were doing.
All of that said, he's not wrong. He wasn't asked the best Dolphin. Just his favorite.
Question 7: iPhone or Android?
Rubio's answer: iPhone.
Our reply: Correct. But it's also what Jeb Bush would say.
Question 9: Who would win in a fight, Spider-Man or Batman?
Rubio's answer: Batman.
Our reply: Wrong, wrong, wrong.
Batman is a superhero because he is rich and can buy cool gadgets. Spider-Man is a man fused with a spider. He can cling to walls. All Spidey has to do is disarm Batman by shooting webbing at him, and then pound him silly. Batman can't sneak up on Spider-Man; Spider-Man has spidey-sense.
If this is an example of Rubio's threat assessment abilities, he just severely undermined his campaign.
Question 10: Least favorite vegetable?
Rubio's answer: It's not a vegetable, but mushrooms.
Our reply: Correct. [Editor's note. Double correct.]
Question 11: Tupac or Biggie?
Rubio's answer: Tupac.
Our reply: Yoooooooooooo.
This is a long-established question in the world of hip-hop, a question that is at least in part responsible for both of these men's deaths. But Rubio is entirely incorrect.
Tupac Shakur started out as a background dancer for Digital Underground. That's the pedigree of the hardest guy in West Coast rap? Digital Underground had some hooks, but, come on. Humpty Hump. In this video, Pac just points at a turntable the whole time.
Tupac's music was also bad. Listen to this song now, without layering on any nostalgia you feel for the first time you heard it.
It is a mess. [Editor's note: Philip is deeply wrong about this. I give you "Picture Me Rolling."] [Philip's note: Hahahaha seriously? That's your counter?]
Now listen to this. (Uh, parental-warning-explicit-content.)
That is a better song in every way -- plus it is a song making fun of Tupac getting shot. Biggie Smalls started out rapping on the street and passing out demo tapes. Sure, he became friends with Sean Combs, but it's not his fault Puff released that terrible song after he died.
Rubio was given a choice between the East Coast, where he was born and raised, and the West Coast, where people are amazed by rain. He chose wrong.
Question 13: If you could only eat one kind of food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Rubio's answer: Italian or Tex-Mex.
Our reply: Correct.
Question 15: First CD you ever bought?
Rubio's answer: One of the Prince albums.
Our reply: Technically this is correct, since it's what Rubio bought. But instead of playing a Prince track over the end of the video, the campaign chose a song apparently called "Star Guitar," by a hair rock artist named Chris Goulstone. Here's another one of his songs, which is also better than Tupac.
Granted, Prince gets pretty litigious about people using his songs on YouTube, but this is a pretty rude substitution.
And this is why we have debates, Senator Rubio. Your wild ideas about football, Spider-Man and music cannot go unchallenged.
Marco Rubio: Wrong on Tupac, wrong for America.
* I am using the word "our," implying this is consensus among staff at The Fix or The Washington Post. Each answer is my own opinion, but each should be adopted by my coworkers, and the world at large, because each of my replies is correct.