Trump expanding his campaign pledge to EVERYTHING: "We have 41 days to make possible every dream you've ever dreamed."
— Alexandra Jaffe (@ajjaffe) September 28, 2016
I had a dream the other night that I was at a restaurant, and for some reason I had to go to the front to talk to security about something. I don't remember what it was exactly, but it doesn't matter because the person at the front of the place was Bill Cosby. I explained whatever my problem was, and he took me first to the back of the restaurant and then, to review security footage, to some other building down the street. The street was a boulevard and seemed to be in perhaps New Orleans. I'm not certain about that, but I got the sense of multiple stories of balconies on the houses and sporadic-but-evenly-spaced trees sagging with Spanish moss.
We got to the second building and sat down to look at the videotape, and then it somehow became clear to me why we were there: The restaurant had set me up to have the original problem precisely so that Cosby would have to take me off-site — at which point they replaced him at the restaurant. I was simply a pawn in their big scheme to fire Bill Cosby. I mean, if you can't figure out any other way to fire a guy who's been accused of multiple sexual assaults, maybe it's time for new management, restaurant-that-might-be-in-New-Orleans.
Point being that I don't really want to make this dream a reality. I haven't been to New Orleans, though I generally hear good things, but I certainly don't want to be caught up in a fake robbery of some sort at a restaurant where Cosby is working the door. I realize that Donald Trump isn't saying he'll necessarily make our dreams come true, but it still seems risky?
And logistically complicated. Let's say for example that I vote for Trump and then ask to help make this dream come true. What's the first step? Will there be a Department of Dreams (Stevie Nicks, administrator) which you petition? Head to Dreams.gov, fill out the form (if the site is working!!) and wait four to eight weeks for your dream coordinator to contact you. Who covers the cost of flying me to New Orleans? Me? Taxes? Obviously I'm fine with tax money being used to cover my own dream, but what if some unpleasant person has the dream that I should be pelted with rotten eggs for 14 straight weeks? Do I have to contribute to that? Can I counter that dream with a dream of my own? Will there be a dream court in which conflicting dreams are adjudicated, each dreamer presenting his case for why his or her dream should be the one to take precedence?
Speaking of dreamers, what about the DREAMers? Is Trump tacitly endorsing the efforts of these immigration activists? If so, that's a huge policy shift. What if my dream is to not have Mexico pay for the wall? I mean, that one is easy to make come true, but you get my point.
What about dreams that actually do stretch the boundaries of possibility? Say I regularly dream about life on Mars, each night imagining myself bounding around on red soil, exploring a new world. Is this a spur for the space program or am I relegated to some sound studio in an old warehouse near the Anacostia? I was promised that my dreams would be made possible, and that means that if my dream is to race Hitler and Greta Garbo in rocket-propelled tractor-trailers across the surface of the sun, I fully expect the full faith and credit of the United States government to be put into service making that happen. A huge, huge investment in scientific research aimed at revivification and time travel would be necessary, certainly, but that's what was pledged by the presidential candidate.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, even if "dreams" is defined downward from "literally anything you can possibly imagine while conscious or unconscious" to "a thing you might like," it's still an impossibly ambitious goal. Maybe if Trump were in charge of the Make-A-Wish Foundation, this might be feasible, but the only place littered with the corpses of more dreams than the gritty streets of Hollywood are the polished floors of the Capitol. (Of course if Trump did run the Make-A-Wish Foundation, there would be a sudden weird spike in the number of sick kids who really, really wanted painted portraits of Trump.)
Also I should note that in my dream they replaced Cosby with the guy that played David Puddy on "Seinfeld." I would, in fact, like to go to a restaurant where he was maitre d'. That's a dream I'd like to see come true. Ms. Nicks, please contact me at your convenience.