Yup, kiddos, this is who you're getting tonight. I'm going to skip a lot of the normal pleasantries. We're at a Hilton; it's not nice. This is on C-SPAN; no one watches that. Trump is president; it's not ideal.
The White House Correspondents' Association, thank you for having me. The monkfish was fine.
And just a reminder to everyone, I'm here to make jokes. I have no agenda. I'm not trying to get anything accomplished. So everyone that's here from Congress, you should feel right at home.
Yeah, before we get too far, a little bit about me. A lot of you might not know who I am. I'm 32 years old, which is an odd age: 10 years too young to host this event and 20 years too old for Roy Moore.
I know, he almost got elected, yeah. It was fun. It was fun.
Honestly, I never really thought I'd be a comedian. But I did take an aptitude test in seventh grade — and this is 100 percent true — I took an aptitude test in seventh grade, and it said in my best profession was a clown or a mime.
Well, at first it said clown, and then it heard my voice and then was like, “Or maybe mime. Think about mime.”
And I know as much as some of you might want me to, it's 2018 and I am a woman, so you cannot shut me up — unless you have Michael Cohen wire me $130,000. Michael, you can find me on Venmo under my porn star name, Reince Priebus.
Reince just gave a thumbs up. Okay.
Now, people are saying America is more divided than ever, but I think no matter what you support politically, we can all agree that this is a great time for craft stores. Because of all the protests, poster board has been flying off the shelves faster than Robert Mueller can say, “You've been subpoenaed.”
Thanks to Trump, pink yarn sales are through the roof. After Trump got elected, women started knitting those p---y hats. When I first saw them, I was like, “That's a p---y?” I guess mine just has a lot more yarn on it.
Yeah, shoulda done more research before you got me to do this.
Now, there is a lot to cover tonight. There's a lot to go over. I can't get to everything. I know there's a lot of people that want me to talk about Russia and Putin and collusion, but I'm not going to do that because there's also a lot of liberal media here. And I've never really wanted to know what any of you look like when you orgasm.
Except for maybe you, Jake Tapper. I bet it's something like this: “Okay, that's all the time we have.”
It is kind of crazy that the Trump campaign was in contact with Russia when the Hillary campaign wasn't even in contact with Michigan. It's a direct flight; it's so close.
Of course, Trump isn't here, if you haven't noticed. He's not here. And I know, I know, I would drag him here myself. But it turns out the president of the United States is the one p---y you're not allowed to grab.
He said it first. Yeah, he did. Do you remember? Good.
Now, I know people really want me to go after Trump tonight, but I think we should give the president credit when he deserves it. Like, he pulled out the Paris agreement, and I think he should get credit for that because he said he was going to pull out and then he did. And that's a refreshing quality in a man. Most men are like, “I forgot. I'll get you next time.” Oh, there's going to be a next time? People say romance is dead.
People call Trump names all the time. And, look, I could call Trump a racist, a misogynist or xenophobic or unstable or incompetent or impotent. But he's heard all of those, and he doesn't care. So, tonight, I'm going to try to make fun of the president in a new way — in a way that I think will really get him. Mr. President, I don't think you're very rich.
Like, I think you might be rich in Idaho, but in New York, you're doing fine. Trump is the only person that still watches “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” and thinks, “Me.”
Although, I'm not sure you'd get very far. He'd get to, like, the third question and be, like, “I have to phone a 'Fox & Friend.'”
We're going to try a fun new thing, okay? I'm going to say, “Trump is so broke,” and you guys go, “How broke is he?” All right?
[AUDIENCE: How broke is he?]
He has to fly failed business class.
[AUDIENCE: How broke is he?]
He looked for foreign oil in Don Jr.'s hair.
[AUDIENCE: How broke is he?]
He — Southwest used him as one of their engines.
I know, it's so soon. It's so soon for that joke. Why did she tell it? It's so soon.
[AUDIENCE: How broke is he?]
He had to borrow money from the Russians, and now he's compromised and not susceptible to blackmail and possibly responsible for the collapse of the republic.
Trump is racist, though. He loves white nationalists, which is a weird term for a Nazi. Calling a Nazi a white nationalist is like calling a pedophile a kid friend or Harvey Weinstein a ladies' man — which isn't really fair; he also likes plants.Trump's also an idea guy. He's got loads of ideas. You gotta love him for that. He wants to give teachers guns, and I support that, 'cause then they can sell them for things they need, like supplies. A lot of protractors.
A lot of people want Trump to be impeached. I do not. Because just when you think Trump is awful, you remember Mike Pence. Mike Pence is what happens when Anderson Cooper isn't gay.
Mike Pence is the kind of guy that brushes his teeth and then drinks orange juice and thinks, “Mmm.” Mike Pence is also very anti-choice. He thinks abortion is murder, which, first of all, don't knock it till you try it. And when you do try it, really knock it. You know, you got to get that baby out of there.
And, yes, sure, you can groan all you want. I know a lot of you are very antiabortion. You know, unless it's the one you got for your secret mistress. It's fun how values can waver. But good for you.
Mike Pence is a weirdo, though. He's a weird little guy. He won't meet with other women without his wife present. When people first heard this, they were like, “That's crazy.” But now, in this current climate, they're like, “That's a good witness.”
Which, of course, brings me to the Me Too movement; it's probably the reason I'm here. They were like, “A woman's probably not going to jerk off in front of anyone, right?” And to that, I say, “Don't count your chickens.” There's a lot of party.
Now, I've worked in a lot of male-dominated fields. Before comedy, I worked at a tech company and, before that, I worked on Wall Street. And, honestly, I've never really been sexually harassed. That being said, I did work at Bear Stearns in 2008. So, although I haven't been sexually harassed, I've definitely been f---ed. Yeah, that whole company went down on me without my consent. And no men got in trouble for that one either.
No, things are changing. Men are being held accountable. You know, Al Franken was ousted. That one really hurt liberals. But I believe it was the great Ted Kennedy who said, “Wow, that's crazy; I murdered a woman.”
“Chappaquiddick” in theaters now.
I did have a lot of jokes — I had a lot of jokes about Cabinet members, but I had to scrap all of those because everyone has been fired. You guys are going through Cabinet members quicker than Starbucks throws out black people.
No, don't worry, they're having an afternoon. That'll solve it. We just needed an afternoon.
Mitch McConnell isn't here. He had a prior engagement. He's finally getting his neck circumcised. Mazel.
Paul Ryan couldn't make it. Of course, he's already been circumcised. Unfortunately, while they were down there, they also took his b---s.
Yeah, bye, Paul. Great acting, though, in that video.
Republicans are easy to make fun of. It's like shooting fish in a Chris Christie. But I also want to make fun of Democrats. Democrats are harder to make fun of because you guys don't do anything.
People think you might flip the House and Senate this November, but you guys always find a way to mess it up. You're somehow going to lose by 12 points to a guy named Jeff Pedophile Nazi Doctor. Oh, he's a doctor?
We should definitely talk about the women in the Trump administration. There's Kellyanne Conway. Man, she has the perfect last name for what she does: Conway. It's like if my name was Michelle Jokes Frizzy Hair Small T--s.
You guys gotta stop putting Kellyanne on your shows. All she does is lie. If you don't give her a platform, she has nowhere to lie. It's like that old saying: If a tree falls in the woods, how do we get Kellyanne under that tree?
I'm not suggesting she gets hurt; just stuck. Stuck under a tree.
Incidentally, a tree falls in the woods is Scott Pruitt's definition of porn. Yeah, we all have our kinks.
There's also, of course, Ivanka. She was supposed to be an advocate for women, but it turns out she's about as helpful to women as an empty box of tampons. She's done nothing to satisfy women. So, I guess, like father, like daughter.
Oh, you don't think he's good in bed. Come on.
She does clean up nice, though. Ivanka cleans up nice. She's the Diaper Genie of the administration. On the outside, she looks sleek but the inside — it's still full of s---.
And, of course, we have Sarah Huckabee Sanders. We're graced with Sarah's presence tonight. I have to say I'm a little star-struck. I love you as Aunt Lydia in “The Handmaid's Tale.”
Mike Pence, if you haven't seen it, you would love it.
Every time Sarah steps up to the podium, I get excited because I'm not really sure what we're going to get: you know, a press briefing, a bunch of lies or divided into softball teams. “It's shirts and skins, and this time, don't be such a little b----, Jim Acosta.”
I actually really like Sarah. I think she's very resourceful. Like, she burns facts, and then she uses the ash to create a perfect smoky eye. Like, maybe she's born with it; maybe it's lies.
And I'm never really sure what to call Sarah Huckabee Sanders. You know, is it Sarah Sanders? Is Sarah Huckabee Sanders? Is it Cousin Huckabee? Is it Auntie Huckabee Sanders? Like, what's Uncle Tom but for white women who disappoint other white women? Oh, I know: Aunt Coulter.
We've got our friends at CNN here. Welcome, guys, it's great to have you. You guys love breaking news, and you did it. You broke it. Good work.
The most useful information on CNN is when Anthony Bourdain tells me where to eat noodles.
Fox News is here. So, you know what that means, ladies: Cover your drinks. Seriously.
People want me to make fun of Sean Hannity tonight, but I cannot do that; this dinner is for journalists.
We've got MSNBC here. MSNBC's news slogan is, “This is who we are.” Guys, it's not a good slogan. “This is who we are” is what your mom thinks the sad show on NBC is called. “Did you watch 'This Is Who We Are' this week? Someone left on a Crockpot, and everyone died.”
I watch “Morning Joe” every morning. We now know that Mika and Joe are engaged. Congratulations, you guys. It's like when a Me Too works out.
We also have Rachel Maddow. We cannot forget about Rachel Maddow. She is the Peter Pan of MSNBC. But instead of never growing up, she never gets to the point. Watching Rachel Maddow is like going to Target. You went in for milk, but you left with shampoo, candles and the entire history of the Byzantine Empire. “I didn't need this.”
And, of course, Megyn Kelly. What would I do without Megyn Kelly? You know, probably be more proud of women.
Megyn Kelly got paid $23 million by NBC, then NBC didn't let Megyn go to the Winter Olympics. Why not? She's so white, cold and expensive, she might as well be the Winter Olympics.
And, by the way, Megyn, Santa's black. The weird old guy going through your chimney was Bill O'Reilly. You might want to put a flue on it or something.
There's a lot of print media here. There's a ton of you guys, but I'm not going to go after print media tonight because it's illegal to attack an endangered species.
There's a ton of news right now; a lot is going on, and we have all these 24-hour news networks, and we could be covering everything. But, instead, we're covering like three topics. Every hour, it's Trump, Russia, Hillary and a panel of four people who remind you why you don't go home for Thanksgiving.
“Milk comes from nuts now, all 'cause of the gays.”
You guys are obsessed with Trump. Did you used to date him? Because you pretend like you hate him, but I think you love him. I think what no one in this room wants to admit is that Trump has helped all of you. He couldn't sell steaks or vodka or water or college or ties or Eric, but he has helped you.
He's helped you sell your papers and your books and your TV. You helped create this monster, and now you're profiting off of him. And if you're gonna profit off of Trump, you should at least give him some money because he doesn't have any.
[AUDIENCE: How broke is he?]
He grabs p---ies 'cause he thinks there might be loose change in them. All right, like an immigrant who was brought here by his parents and didn't do anything wrong, I gotta get the f--- out of here. Good night.
Flint still doesn't have clean water.
WASHINGTON, DC - APRIL 28: John Allen Newman (L) and Omarosa Manigault-Newman attend the 2018 White House Correspondents' Dinner at Washington Hilton on April 28, 2018 in Washington, DC. (Photo by Tasos Katopodis/Getty Images) (Tasos Katopodis/Getty Images)
The scene at the White House correspondents? dinner