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Did you survive the ‘Instagram rapture’?

An image of the sun, as Instagrammed by Reuters. (Reuters/NASA)

And as he sat in Instagram’s HQ, the CEO Kevin Systrom said to them*: “See that no one leads you astray. For many false followers will find you via hashtags, saying: ‘I am a fan,’ but they will be spambots; and many false prophets will come to you and say they can perform marketing miracles in my name.

But be on your guard. For they will inflate your follower counts, and they will engorge your egos, and they will make the Kingdom of Instagram an inauthentic place. When that day comes, your CEO will descend from Silicon Valley, and rain devastation on the spambots, and no account will be left unscathed. Pray that it may not happen in winter. For in those days there will be such tribulation as has not been seen since the Twitter Purge of 2013.

But concerning that day or that hour, no one knows, not even the social media gurus, nor the viral marketers, but only the CEO. Be on guard, keep awake. For you do not know when the time will come.

Immediately after the tribulation of those days, the teens will riot, and the Instagram stars will fall from their heights, and the most-followed accounts will be shaken and ashamed. Then there will appear on Instagram many cries of anguish, and much gnashing of teeth, and all the fandoms of Instagram will mourn. ‘CEO,’ they will say, “where have our followers gone, whom we loved?’

But fear not; for those followers were false. So go out, I say to you, and proclaim the good news to many: That Instagram has at last improved its experience, and that your CEO, Kevin Systrom, has done this thing for you.”

* It should hopefully be obvious that Instagram CEO Kevin Systrom did not actually say any of these things. You can read his actual blog post here, and the Bible verses about the “rapture,” from which this was adapted, here