Adventurer! Dare you embark on the new quest #GOPDnD?
Beware, for it is an extremely partisan adventure, devised by trolls who would seek to mock the White House from their dwellings in the forests of Twitter.
If you choose to go on, you will need to prepare yourself. We provide this legend to help you navigate the trials ahead:
DnD: Dungeons & Dragons — in which players assume the roles of adventurers engaged in an epic quest. The game plays out mostly in the players’ imaginations, possibly while they sit around a basement table in the 1980s or try to be retro with their friends. But it also involves an intricate system of dice rolls, spells and Tolkienesque language that can get annoying if overdone. Apologies for that.
PC: The player’s character — typically a warrior, mage or rogue, though in this case they’re Republican politicians and President Trump.
DM: The dungeon master or game master, who designs, narrates and directs the quest. An honored role among the players. See:
DM: 8 yrs you've complained, so you're the DM now.
*90 days later*
GOPDM: What's "initiative" mean?
old DM: *sigh*#GOPDnD
— R3S!STANC3 (@DangerCormick) March 23, 2017
#GOPDnD: An ongoing quest in which the newly empowered Republican Party and its leader, Trump, battle tax codes, illegal immigration and — finally — the great forces of Obamacare, occasionally arguing about dice rolls along the way.
Breaking character is strictly forbidden in any Dungeons & Dragons game. (If it weren’t, we’d briefly note that #GOPDnD began trending earlier this month after tweets by podcaster James D’Amato and has since evolved into a viral, extremely elaborate parody of the young Trump administration’s stumbles.)
Now that we are properly provisioned, let us commence our journey. It begins on the electoral cliffs of 2016, where powerful forces stood in the way of Trump’s party of adventurers.
"We have two choices to lead us: A mad noble who spouts nonsense, or a very qualified but distant wizard"
"But her Sending spells!"#GOPDnD
— How do I Tweeter? (@vexingthoughts) March 17, 2017
GOP: I cast Benghazi.
DM: *sigh* She makes the saving throw. Again.
GOP: I cast Benghazi.#GOPDnD
— Joey Rizzolo (@NYNeoJoey) March 24, 2017
Against all expectation, Trump defeated the wizard Hillary Clinton. He and his followers discovered amazing new abilities as they pressed on.
PC: I’m an epic level Ranger.
DM: You’re a level 4 bard.
PC: Alternative character sheets.
PC: I loot the bank.#GOPDnD
— Burf Diddy (@FerdBurfel) March 26, 2017
PC:I cast fireball! It'll be huge, biggest ever!
DM:You're 1st lvl you can't cast fireball.
PC:I never said I was casting fireball.#GOPDnD
— Quinten Lee (@Quinten_Lee) March 25, 2017
Trump led his party to the land of Washington, where he battled many monsters.
DM: Orcs are approaching your party
GOP: I attack my allies
DM: But —
GOP: Have to show the orcs I'm not weak #GOPdnd
— Jessi Johnson (@LinkedJourneys) March 19, 2017
DM:”The dragon rests on a hoard of gold.”
PC:”We gather the town’s wealth and add it in. The dragon will surely create jobs now.”#GOPdnd
— Snowb0und ❄️✊️ (@existentialnick) March 17, 2017
Some foes were of this country, and some were from distant lands.
DM: City is under attack from flying enemies to the East
GOP: I cast "Great Wall" to the South
DM: But that's not
GOP: "GREAT WALL!"#GOPDnD
— Peter A. Pena (@strugglingawake) March 23, 2017
GOP: I ban all elves from my realm
DM: You can't do that
GOP: Ok I ban the entry for all from their forests
GOP: So-called DM#GOPDnD
— Ashley Ross (@ashanneross) March 26, 2017
DM: A woman and child enter town limits. They appear wounded.
GOP: I cast detect evil
DM: They're not evil
GOP: I cast it again #GOPDnD
— Dave (@Blisard) March 23, 2017
A few doubted their leader’s abilities, but Trump always prevailed.
Trump: I roll a 20.
GM: It clearly says 3
Trump: Highest role since Reagan. #GOPDnD
— C.J. Tuor (@Cjtuor) March 17, 2017
Finally, the adventurers were strong enough to face their strongest enemy yet — Obamacare. They were armed with the spell, repeal and reform.
GOP: I cast 'Repeal Obamacare.'
(rolls natural 1)
GM: Suffer 392 morale damage.
GOP: I evade, cast 'Blame the Democrats.'
— Calvin Wong (@ithayla) March 25, 2017
GOP: The healing potion is 5,000 gold pieces.
PC: But we don't have that much gold.
GOP: No, but you have ACCESS to health potions.#GOPDnD
— Political Hax (@SClayton891) March 20, 2017
But the party suffered many losses, and the battle lasted many days. Finally, the climax:
GOP: I cast Repeal at ACA.
DM: For that 50th time, you have to wait until the barrier falls.
GOP: I forfeit my turn.#GOPDnD
— The History of China (@thocpodcast) March 25, 2017
Which was, honestly, sort of a confusing ending. But that can happen after a long quest.
Anyway, there are always new adventures to come.
DM: You've finally found the dragon. What do you do?
GOP: I cast Win.
DM: That's not a spell.
GOP: I go golfing. #GOPDnD
— Fix Democracy First (@PeterTWalsh) March 26, 2017