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I have looked into Starbucks’s new Crystal Ball Frappuccino, and the future looks bleak

After the unicorn, mermaid, zombie, vampire and dragon Frappuccinos, Starbucks has apparently run through the entire list of magical creatures that can be coated in sugar and blended with ice. So this weekend, it’s hoping for a different type of magic: The Crystal Ball Frappuccino, in stores through March 26, is the brand’s newest Instagrammable rainbow concoction. And it has a secret code! The drink, Starbucks says, features turquoise swirls and comes with one of three colors of sprinkles: If they’re blue, it “foretells adventure.” If they’re green, it will bring you luck. And if your Frapp is purple, “Wonder and enchantment are headed your way. Also owls.” Which sounds kind of like a threat.

Starbucks’ Unicorn Frappuccino tastes like sour birthday cake and shame

Starbucks does not decode what is foretold if your drink arrives as mine did (the right half of the composite photo above): a cup of beige ice milk with pink sprinkles on top. I have gazed into the Starbucks crystal ball, and it has told me, accurately: You are a boring white person who has ordered this dumb drink.

Everything about this Frappuccino is a bad omen. It is supposed to taste like peaches, but the peaches were too embarrassed to show up. So, it tastes like how a vanilla car air freshener smells. It tastes like a Bath & Body Works lip balm circa 2001. It tastes as if the milk left behind after you eat a bowl of Lucky Charms was trying waaaay too hard.

Meanwhile, the sprinkles on top aren’t trying hard enough. They’re not Pop Rocks, or edible glitter, which would make this drink exponentially worse but at least in an interesting way. They’re just colored sugar resting on top of sugar milk.

Anyway, because fortunetelling is a subjective art, here are some alternate interpretations for your Crystal Ball Frappuccino fortune. If you get blue, you will meet a handsome stranger! (Who will avoid your uncomfortable eye contact at Starbucks.) If you get green, doors will be opening for you! (When the guy in front of you holds the door at Starbucks.) And if you get purple, it means you’re probably the reason a barista is having a bad day, because they all hate making this drink.

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