Like Brangelina and Kimye, portmanteaus of famous pairings keep entering the lexicon, and Kraft Heinz wants to add some more. The company started with Mayochup, the combination of mayonnaise and ketchup (why not ketchonnaise?) that the company released last fall. And it must have been a success, because they’ve just come out with three more Franken-condiments: Mayomust (mayo + mustard), Mayocue (mayo + barbecue sauce) and the best-named one yet: Kranch (ketchup + ranch dressing).
Kranch. KRANCH. This is a word you cannot help but say out loud. Ranch dressing is having a revival, but it almost doesn’t matter what this tastes like. The most important thing — Heinz’s greatest gift to America this summer — is the opportunity to say, “Hey, brah, can you pass me some KRANCH?” It is absurd. Kranch. Why. Kraaaaaaanch.
Okay, now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, let’s move on to the question at hand: Are we really this lazy?
There’s an argument to be made that combinations of condiments, while good on their own, can come together to create something even better — see: the European Union. Thousand Island dressing, for example, is made of mayonnaise, ketchup and relish, along with other spices. Though these new sauces have a simpler, 50/50 recipe, you could make the case for a value add with two of them. Mayocue functions as either a very creamy barbecue sauce or a mayonnaise dip with a smoky tang. It would be good on chicken tenders, fries and a chicken sandwich. Kranch is more ketchup at first taste, then more ranch — but you won’t care, because they’re both good on fries. It would also work on onion rings!
But Mayomust? It’s a food product that is also a complete sentence: Mayomust be a lame idea, because it doesn’t really bring much to the table. It’s hard to think of the application for this, other than ham and/or turkey sandwiches. The only real benefit is that it saves you the time it takes to get two separate jars out of the fridge.
It seems as if the condiments are novelties that Kraft Heinz is counting on people to impulse-purchase. And if that’s the case, why stop here? There are so many other combinations they could make. Mustard + relish = Mustish (great on hot dogs!). Ketchup + mustard = Kustard. Worcestershirennaise. Tartard Sauce. These are all good names. Not as good as Kranch, perhaps, but then again, Kranch could have had an even better name: Retchup!
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