“Kraft is introducing Kraft Salad ‘Frosting,’ its Kraft Classic Ranch Dressing disguised in a frosting tube, giving parents a hand in upping their lie game. ‘Innocent lies parents tell their kids help alleviate the pressures of everyday parenting, and if it gets kids to eat their greens, so be it,’ says Sergio Eleuterio, head of marketing for Kraft.” — Kraft Heinz news release, June 10, 2019. 

Can’t get your kids to eat rice? Just call it white sprinkles! White sprinkles are a delicious side dish. They’re just like having candy for dinner!

Do your kids hate eating whole wheat bread? Here’s a handy parenting tip for you: Just call it grain cake! All kids love cake, so they will surely fall for this clever trick and happily eat their grain cake without complaint or suspicion.

Maybe your kids don’t like drinking water, and they ask for sugary juices or sodas instead. That’s okay! Just tell them that water is a very special type of magic soda. If they ask why it doesn’t have bubbles, just tell them it went flat. If they ask why it doesn’t taste like anything, just tell them that it tastes like Dr Pepper, but only for children who do their chores.

Want your kids to eat spaghetti? First of all: Lots of kids eat spaghetti and don’t make a big deal about it, so what is your kid’s problem? But, anyway: You could try calling it Pull ’n’ Peel Twizzlers, I guess? Tell little Jayden they’ve been pre-pulled and pre-peeled. Yes, Jayden, tomato is a perfectly normal flavor for Twizzlers.

Your kids won’t eat fish? Screw it, just tell them it’s cookies. I mean, salmon looks nothing like cookies, but who cares. You can get kids to believe anything, right? Mommy needs a glass of wine — uh, I mean grown-up juice.

What about Brussels sprouts? Don’t you mean giant M&Ms? That is surely a delightful anecdote your child will recount to their therapist 20 years from now, when they are probing the depths of their attachment disorder.

Anyway. Parenting is easy! Kids are gullible! Salad dressing is frosting! Cottage cheese is ice cream! Broccoli is candy! Trust is a fragile illusion! Asparagus is green Twix!

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