"I am leaving New York City because of all of these goddamned wizards."

"Put it all together, and Boehner is plainly an outlier as an Obamacare client."

"Here are some good rules to follow to make sure your Thanksgiving descends into a screaming match that mortifies your loved ones and makes you feel superior to all your troglodyte cousins."

"'Well, thank God,' Hudson said, laughing. 'I believe I’m going to be a Democrat.'"

"To tenderize, wrap the turkey up in newspaper and beat it with a two-by-four."