(Tom Toles)
Editorial cartoonist

Billionaires have everything, but not yet quite everything. Possibly the one thing they don’t have is victim status. So they want that. And they’re working on it.

Billionaires cannot fathom why, although some people idolize them, not everyone does. This is nearly as intolerable as it is perplexing. What is this CRITICISM all of a sudden? How can being the obvious winner in our new winner-take-all game not inspire universal admiration from all the losers? Don’t they see how badly they were beaten? So where’s the love? There simply must be a way for a billionaire’s money to buy him love. Or at least peace and quiet!

It was a straightforward deal. Let the rich become richer and everybody would become richer. Whose fault is it that it didn’t quite work out that way? Don’t people see that was really part of the deal? The unwritten part! The unwritten part said, “It’s every person for themselves.” It goes on to say, “Be careful whom you trust to make this kind of deal with.” Don’t forget how Mark Zuckerberg once characterized people who trusted him.

But it’s too late now. Or is it? It seems that some people who are not billionaires still think they may have something to say about how society apportions benefits. Some even have the crazy idea that a billion dollars is more than anybody possibly needs, and is ipso facto a bad thing. BAD thing! What is going on here?

The only reasonable response is for billionaires to redefine billionaires as the real victims. Even calling them billionaires should be considered a slur. Howard Schultz thinks so. He thinks that billionaires should be called “people of means.” Because in the end, he’s a billionaire and you’re not, and the end justifies the man of means.

If money can’t buy a billionaire love, it can certainly at least buy him power. So it follows that Schultz thinks that having billions means he is qualified to run for president. He is so qualified that it doesn’t even matter that his presence in the race makes it more likely that President Trump will get reelected. Now, mind you, Schultz says that he doesn’t like Trump. But like Trump or don’t like him, you have to admit that he is a billionaire. Maybe. He SAYS so! Trust him!