NO! NOT CHICKEN! (Meg Kinnard/AP)
Columnist

OH, NO! YOU ARE RUNNING FOR ELECTED OFFICE AND YOU HAVE DECIDED TO EAT FOOD! THIS IS A TERRIBLE MISTAKE!

There are PEAS before you, but you want PRESIDENT.

Well, kiss that dream goodbye!

If you don’t want to be criticized for eating food in a weird way, there is a simple solution:

Don’t NEVER eat food, or you will be accused of being ROBOT, and people who see you will sniff and chortle and say, “WHO’S THIS ROMNEY NOW?”

But then again, don’t SOMETIMES eat food or people will complain you did a BAD, WRONG CHEW and will shake their fists and go, “SHAME, SHAME!”

Don’t ALWAYS eat food or everyone will murmur, “BOY, CANDIDATE SURE LOVES TO CHEW AND INGEST. WHAT WILL CANDIDATE CHEW AND INGEST NEXT? WHO DOES CANDIDATE THINK CANDIDATE IS, LOUIS XIV ‘THE SUN KING,’ A REPUTED DOUBLE-STOMACH HAVER? AND WHAT’S THIS SAY FOR DEMOCRACY, THEN?"

Food is Scylla and Charybdis, and your body is a pathetic boat that must navigate between them with no failure!

Corn especially makes you look weak, like you are sub-par vacuum, and this puts people to thinking about housework, an association we don’t want one whit.

Eat each piece of corn individually, murmuring “thanks” after stabbing each with tiny toothpick, then turn to assembled and mutter, “Mmm, this is the real stuff, this corn. I’ve eaten a corn before, as many here doubtless have,” THEN CHUCKLE!

Eat corn behind a cardboard cutout of Rutherford B. Hayes to avoid compromising photos.

OR DON’T EAT CORN!

STARE SILENTLY AT CORNCOB UNTIL IT SURRENDERS!

Better yet, turn it directly into ethanol by sheer force of will so the crowd marvels, “Candidate can accomplish all things.”

IF YOU MUST USE FORK AND KNIFE TO EAT PIZZA, USE SIX KNIVES.

NO, SEVEN KNIVES!

In general, do not use your hands for any food, but especially do not ASK whether to use hands, as this LOOKS LIKE CALCULATION. (BAD, VILE, WOMANLY, FOR SHAME!)

Chicken: NOT TO BE EATEN! You should bend over chicken weeping and lamenting and rending garments.

Broccoli: Cut into tiny slivers and mail to George H.W. Bush Presidential Library.

You must first befriend beer before drinking it, or it will rebel, and you won’t look relatable.

Only drink beer if you’ve looked into mirror and know yourself true in all things, or the beer will see and judge, and you will be found WANTING, will be STUCK ON PORTCH with John Boehner forever to make mundane observations about weather to pass time, an UNDREAMT-OF HELL.

IF NOT SURE, AVOID BEER!

Chips: Poured into gullet by aide.

Mashed potatoes: Use pitchfork from “American Gothic.”

Bagel: If someone presents you with a bagel, shout “I APPROVE OF BAGELS, BUT I DON’T NEED THIS IN MY LIFE.”

Hamburgers: Left to sit in Oval Office, then swallowed in single gulp.

Do not take SMALL BITES. Shows you are not CONFIDENT in your ability to assimilate the food without fear and without reproach.

Do not take LARGE BITES, as you may choke, and if the food WINS, what kind of message does that send to our allies and enemies abroad?

It is a big shame, you may say, but we Writers and we Talkers like to ask questions such as “BUT DID THE SENATOR EAT HER SALAD WEIRD?" because the thing that would pain us most of anything in the world would be to go to a campaign website and click on the policy ideas or go to an event in person and inquire about the policy ideas. It would literally destroy us! Physically a corrosive substance would burst from our pores and we would begin to sink into the panel. We would become one with the panel! Subsequent panelists would look down into the laminate material of the desk and see only a face frozen forever in a rictus of agony, and to forestall said fate we ask things like, “BUT HOW DID THE CANDIDATE EAT PIZZA, WAS IT WITH A FORK?”

“THE CANDIDATE APPROACHED THE PIZZA, PLACED A SMALL CHUNK OF IT IN HER MOUTH, THEN BEGAN BY THE APPLICATION OF SALIVARY AMYLASE TO DISSOLVE IT INTO ITS SUGARS AND COMPONENT PARTS, FORMING A BOLUS THAT WAS TO BE MOVED VIA PERISTALSIS DOWN A LONG ESOPHAGUS INTO A VAT FULL OF ACID, WHICH SHE WOULD USE TO BEGIN THE PROCESS OF TRANSFORMING THAT CHUNK INTO ENERGY LIKE SOME KIND OF BOND VILLAIN, LIKE A TRUE SWAMP CREATURE.”

Did you know that actually this candidate doesn’t eat food but transforms it into adenosine triphosphate, which she uses to power her cells?

DISGUSTING!!!!!!!

This applies unless, of course, you are the president of the United States or just man-candidate in general, but sometimes EVEN THEN!

BE CAREFUL!

AVOID FOOD!

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