This is such a good outcome because there is no difference between “right” and “not technically a crime." (Saul Loeb/AFP/Getty Images)
Columnist

I AM THRILLED BY THE CONCLUSIONS OF THIS RIGGED WITCH HUNT BY THIRTEEN ANGRY DEMOCRATS! When I said that “All credibility is gone from this terrible Hoax,” I meant “I am confident it will fully vindicate me or, at the very least, not charge me with crimes,” which I think is the same thing, just as when someone says, “It is a difficult call whether this conduct was technically illegal,” it means that what you did was right, GOOD, perhaps even GREAT and that AMERICA IS THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD! AMERICA!

It turns out that this was not the MOST TAINTED AND CORRUPT CASE EVER, no matter what I said earlier! It was not ILLEGALLY BROUGHT at all. In fact, it was good all along, and I was rooting for it. I hope it knew I was rooting for it.

Before, I would have said — maybe even 183 times! — that this was a witch hunt with all the rigor of someone dunking a woman into water and trying to see whether she will float! But now that I have (apparently!) failed to float, I say that dunking women into water to see whether they float is a wise and valid methodology and I stand behind it!

Boy, I should have wholeheartedly embraced this from the very beginning, like someone who was confident it would find he had not done anything wrong — which it turns out, is what I was! That was me all along! Instead of discrediting this investigation, I should have been crediting it! To make amends, I have come up with new, politer names for the team behind it, like Great Bob and the Thirteen Respected Citizens. I look forward to disclosing the rest of them shortly.

It is so good to hear the three most beautiful words in the English language: “You are exonerated.” Or rather, "While this report does not conclude that the President committed a crime, it also does not exonerate him,” which is basically the same. As my father said, “I love you,” or, in his specific words, “Although I have not concluded that I love you, I also have not concluded that I do not love you. That is for the Attorney General to determine.”

Look, “not literally illegal” is a very, very high standard to hold ANYONE to, especially the president of the United States. Anyway, it is good that I probably did not commit a crime, unlike someone who voted illegally by mistake or crossed into this country seeking opportunity, who have DEFINITELY committed crimes.

Can you believe I was voluntarily surrounding myself with what, if I may say so, are Very Fine People, scraped from the absolute top of the barrel, not because someone behind the scenes is twisting my arm, but because I genuinely thought I had assembled a top-notch team? Wow!

And the even better news is that I just, like, pro bono, am weirdly into repressive regimes and seek to emulate them in whatever ways I can? I am just a real fan, not a fake fan who has been compensated for my enthusiasm. When I say, “I want Putin to be my best friend," I meant it! He hasn’t encouraged it in any way! I think you should feel good about that. I demand a can of lukewarm StarKist Tuna wherever I go because I genuinely think it is a wonderful snack, not because I am a compensated spokesperson! What I am trying to say is, I have integrity!

Anyway, I stand by what appears to be the results of the investigation, unless of course more of them come out and they are bad.

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