Would anyone like to buy an “It’s Mueller Time” custom beer stein? It is glass with red lettering, and it has been used to drink at least one toast to the FBI, as an institution.
Also available: a Mueller pin, a devotional candle with Mueller’s image on it, a shirt depicting him as an enormous shark that says “LAWS” on it in the font like “JAWS” (implying that he would rise from the sea and seize Donald Trump’s presidency and it would not be safe for that presidency in the water for a very long time), a set of matching Mueller acrylic earrings, another different Mueller devotional candle where he was dressed in a more formal robe, a “The Special Counsel’s Office DECLINED TO COMMENT” t-shirt, a plush item depicting Mueller as Superman, a third different Mueller devotional candle depicting him as a vengeful saint, a sweatshirt with “Mueller Is Coming” a la “Game of Thrones,” and a red hat with white lettering that reads “MUELLER KNOWS EVERYTHING.” I wore it once, but people who only saw me from a distance were confused and looked hostile, so I did not wear it again.
I think these would be a good addition to any home. Lighting that candle, or the different one (or the third one), you can feel you have some amount of control over what is on fire — that the answer is not “everything all the time" but “one specific thing that is related to Robert Mueller.” I think the declined-to-comment shirt could be worn wistfully or ironically? I have not tried it yet. The plush Superman could be used as a dog toy. I am not saying it has to be, but it could be.
You could also buy all these items and put them behind the doors of an Advent calendar if, for instance, you are counting down the days to a major disappointment at work or possible setback in your personal life. And if you scratched out the first two letters of “Mueller Is Coming,” you could wear the sweatshirt to a production of “Oklahoma!” and the actor playing Aunt Eller would, I am sure, be very flattered.
I don’t know what to do about the hat. I just am sick of looking at it.
Also available: a fourth devotional candle with a different font, a minimalist print of Mueller’s haircut, a fifth Saint Mueller candle, my “It’s Mueller Time” baby onesie, a set of Saint Mueller stickers (one was briefly on my laptop but I was able to pry it off), my t-shirt that depicts Mueller as Judge Dredd and says “I Am the Law,” a Mueller pendant, a Mueller pennant, and, of course, the Christmas tree ornament of Mueller’s head that I received as a gift (from myself, to myself). These are all real items, just by the way, and I am sure they have only accrued in value.
I’m doing great! Why would you ask if I was doing okay? It is not like I had started a pile of Things To Start Dealing With After Mueller Comes. I certainly had not started to sell my earthly possessions, arrange cat care, and make plans around the Release of the Report, or to refer to time as ante-Mueller (A.M.) and post-Mueller (P.M.), which would not only have been disappointing but extremely confusing to everyone I tried to make plans with. I certainly did not think I would receive an apology in person, or even in writing, from anyone who had ever questioned my assertion that the Trump Tower meeting was the key to everything. (Did I think there would be a bigger payoff to the 60 hours of my life I devoted to studying the Trump Tower meeting and Rob Goldstone? Possibly. But learning about Rob Goldstone was its own reward.)
It was not that this was an apocalyptic event to which I had pinned all my hopes, after which I thought things would be different. This was not the Muellerite Great Disappointment. Did I think a swift investigative end to the Trump presidency would save me from having to reckon with all the forms of ugliness revealed in 2016? Is it still emotionally taxing for me to hear “Fight Song”? Is this the most disappointed I’ve felt about something I have not read or seen since “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child”? Is it the first time I’ve tried to sell apparel since I had to get rid of my “Surely Iran-Contra Will End the Reagan Presidency” hoodie? Am I just asking questions for days, weeks, months that apparently lead NOWHERE and are, I guess, RHETORICAL ONLY and will lead to no indictments?
I just feel like, you know, I own too many things. And in retrospect, I should maybe not have gotten that upper-back tattoo of Robert Mueller’s face as a stained-glass window. But I think I can probably turn it into something. A shark maybe. Or the logo of the SDNY.
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