(This contains implied spoilers for the penultimate episode of “Game of Thrones.”)
Hi. So. Uh. Khaleesi. Two thousand five hundred twenty-eighth of your name, according to the Social Security Administration!
So first things first, the great thing about your name is that you have a beautiful middle name, and, uh, I think — as you grow older — uh, you may, you may find that’s a good option!
Uh. So. Uh.
You’ll understand this when you’re older, I think.
Ah, geez, so sometimes you put your faith in someone, and that person lets you down.
I think the takeaway here is that we, your parents, just wanted the best for you, as we did for your siblings.
We named you Khaleesi but not because we wanted you to do everything the character did, obviously! Obviously. Duh! Goes without saying, but just in case it didn’t, I’m going to say it. I just don’t want you to think when you come to an age where you can watch the show that we picked this name, like, uh, uh, fully, uh, aware, of every twist and turn that would be taken. Ha.
You might think, watching, that we were way, way more in favor of setting things on fire than we actually, um, are, as people. Or of crucifixion, for that matter. For the record, we think both those things are bad.
Really, Khaleesi is a generic title that could apply to anyone with that rank, and you shouldn’t let yourself be fooled into thinking we named you after the one depicted character with that title. Could have been anyone off-screen but present in the show’s universe!
Did I miss some cues in previous episodes that suggested that maybe Daenerys’s story was not a straightforward and clear-cut tale of empowerment, as when she kept burning people and crucifying people? Come on, that part was in another country, and she had dragons! If she had just had dragons and not used them, Anton Chekhov would never have forgiven her.
Look, maybe naming has not been our forte as parents. Sometimes you see a character who seems awesome and it turns out that character is going to change in ways you did not expect! And names are hard to change, even harder than removing a “John Edwards Could Never Lose My Vote” bumper sticker — not that I have experience, personally, removing a “John Edwards Could Never Lose My Vote” bumper sticker, but, yes, that is why it says “John Edwards Could [smiley face sticker] Lose My Vote” on the back of the Volvo and has done so for more than a decade. In fact, I’m going to go out on a limb and just admit that we goofed, as we did with your brothers Walter White, Harvey Dent White, Michael Corleone White and Saruman the White.
Your sister Elphaba has had to deal with something similar, although with the musical, I think we can argue that her status is ambiguous and she is maybe an antihero?
I feel awful about your brother Verbal Kint for TWO reasons now, but in fairness I went into labor before the movie was over. Same with your brother Hans From “Frozen.” Also I feel bad about Sweeney Todd your brother, but in fairness that time I went into labor before I had finished reading all the way through the title. I also feel extra bad for your eldest brother We Have No Reason to Believe Dumbledore Is Anything but Heterosexual, but that is just my fault for naming him We Have No Reason to Believe Dumbledore Is Anything but Heterosexual, and I understand why he is no longer on speaking terms with the family.
Anyway, uh, Khallie — maybe we had better use your middle name, Tiberius, which I picked after reading far enough in Suetonius that I was confident I had a winner — this is what comes of putting your faith in people. People can go wrong. Call no man fortunate until he dies, as I think Herodotus used to say. And sometimes even after he has died, J.K. Rowling will decide she has new information to share about him!
We wanted to avoid the pitfall of naming you after a real person because all we know about real people is that celebrity is the brief interval between being revered as a national treasure and the revelation that you have committed a hideous crime with an unthinkable and lasting human toll. That was why I turned to fiction. I just — I should maybe have waited for the story to end. I see that now. I think I’ve grown. We learned. At least we didn’t make this mistake with your brother, The “Game of Thrones” Finale Will Leave All Viewers Satisfied.