It is exactly the right temperature here in this office. Never mind that ― as Olga Khazan cites in the Atlantic, a study has suggested that women perform better at higher temperatures. Who could crave a higher temperature than this? I would tell you what the specific temperature is, but the mercury froze in my thermometer and it shattered.

This office temperature is ideal — balmy, even. (That tauntaun is not dead; it is only resting.)

Sure, the women in the office are all wrapped in dense layers of blanket so that not even their eyes are visible, but I assumed this was just some sort of overreaction to office life in the post-#MeToo era. They just want their mentors to be comfortable! Both temperature-wise and in their narrow punitive conceptions of what is appropriate!

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If you want to remove the penguins who have settled on the copier, feel free to do so, but I wouldn’t disturb them. They seem happy there, and it is good that they have somewhere to raise their young.

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It is easy to be productive here, especially now that we have constructed that fire hole.

I am sorry if you lost your ice ax while attempting to cross to the conference room, but we may find it when summer is over and things have melted. And, if not, it will endure as a lasting testimony to those who first dared this treacherous passage.

Hang on just a second, what’s that commotion? Oh, good news! We have hacked Denise out of the ice wall in which she has been frozen since late April. It is amazing how well she has been preserved! I thought she was not responding to emails because she was not pulling her weight as a team player, but it looks like I am the goof in this scenario! Boy, that’s egg on my face — metaphorically. A real egg would freeze immediately and shatter.

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It is very pleasant to work here. (You should be wearing a second layer in order to cross from your desk to the kitchen; without it, your breath will condense and freeze. WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITHOUT YOUR GLOVES? YOU WILL LOSE A FINGER! Though, on the plus side, you will gain gangrene.)

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The seal is here because his home climate is no longer habitable and he wants a good place to raise his young; he will not bother you if you do not bother him. You just bothered him. Keep moving.

If you need (irrationally!) to be warmer, you can always climb into the refrigerator, where it is comparatively temperate and you will find the rest of your female colleagues huddled next to an expiring yogurt.

I just think it’s so restrictive and unfair how we men have to wear ties to the office. You ladies are so lucky to be able to wear whatever you want.

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