Democratic presidential candidate Marianne Williamson during the second night of debates in Miami on Thursday. (Wilfredo Lee/AP)
  • Marianne Williamson’s first act as president would be to call the prime minister of New Zealand, who once said that New Zealand was the best place to grow up, and tell her YOU’RE WRONG, GIRLFRIEND! It is America!*
  • If Donald Trump is watching the debate, she wants to speak to him directly. She knows that he has reached into the psyche of America and filled America with hate. He has harnessed hate for political purposes. The only thing that can cast out hate is love. That is why she is running. She is going to use love to cast out hate. She will harness love for political purposes. She will meet him on the field and love will win.*
  • She knows that JFK did not say “I have a plan to put a man on the moon.”*
  • She hates plans, in general.
  • The dream that Marianne Williamson caught in her dreamcatcher was the American Dream.
  • We are all dreams in the mind of Marianne Williamson. If she stops believing in us even for a second, we will all vanish.
  • Marianne Williamson could stop climate change by teaching the enormous turtle underneath the world to love.
  • If Marianne Williamson can just meet with Donald Trump on the field of battle she will not even need to use a wand. Donald Trump will begin to shake, and then he will shatter into a million tiny pieces, and from the spot where he was, a toad will hop across the field toward Marianne. The toad will look plaintively at her but she will shake her head and point it toward the woods.
  • The real crisis facing this country is that we have a sickness care system, not a health care system. Marianne Williamson will get to the root of that, using love.*
  • Marianne Williamson is hovering above the Adrienne Arsht Center for the Performing Arts right now, seeing everything but judging nothing.
  • Marianne Williamson only speaks with her mouth when absolutely necessary; she prefers to communicate in the pure language of the mind.
  • There is a tree in Marianne Williamson’s backyard with a single bud on it, and if Marianne Williamson attains a sufficiently strong meditative state, the bud will flower and reveal a path forward on gun control.
  • Marianne Williamson has a goose that lays golden eggs, but she would never ask another being to lay an egg for profit.
  • When Marianne Williamson enters a trance-like state, she wanders through a palace with many rooms, and in those rooms are objects representing all the potential members of a Williamson Cabinet — an agate the size of a bull, an amber lamp, six teacups filled with a green liquid. Only Marianne Williamson understands what these objects symbolize.
  • Marianne Williamson is capable of assuming the form of a duck, if she chooses. But she never chooses.
  • Marianne Williamson does not use superfluous oils. If Marianne Williamson calls an oil essential, it is.
  • Marianne Williamson knows the real problem facing the American middle class: its heart is trapped on the evil planet of Camazotz, where only love can break it free.
  • If Marianne Williamson tells you to strike a bridge pose, do it: together, you can solve America’s crumbling infrastructure.
  • The power of love manifested by Marianne Williamson is a good substitute for any form of medicine but cannot save you from measles. If everyone were capable of summoning love with the power Marianne Williamson has, we would not need Medicare-for-all. We would not need Medicare for Anyone. But we can’t. No one can.
  • A generation ago, it was predicted that a Marianne Williamson would be born into the world and would look into the gemlike flame-hearts of voters and their gemlike flame-hearts would recognize her in turn. The prophecy was not specific about what would happen next.
  • If ever invited to address the United Nations, Marianne has — but may not exercise — the option of becoming a ball of pure radiance that is immediately comprehensible by all.
  • Marianne Williamson has a hutch full of rabbits that she is careful to keep fed and happy. If one of the rabbits is ailing, America’s prestige suffers abroad.
  • Marianne Williamson is the only one in her generation capable of harnessing and riding a Gerrymander.
  • Her team wanted journalists to “strike an eagle pose” every time someone talks about the Green New Deal.*
  • Marianne Williamson is running for president through the normal process but also know that if she manages to unlock the Cavern of the Winds, she will become president regardless of the vote count.
  • Also, she agrees with Julián Castro that we as a country need to do more to address the situation in Latin America that inspires emigration?*

* True.

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