Ladies and gentlemen, boys and underaged women! Now that we are engaged in the exciting and profitable exercise of describing Jeffrey Epstein’s alleged teenage victims as “underaged women,” I have had to update a lot of my favorite allusions to keep up with what must be some sort of new style guide. Please remember to do likewise. You would not want these victims to think that they were children rather than nearly-legitimate objects. A few examples are below!

“Charlotte’s Web”: Underaged woman helps save underaged bacon.

“Red Riding Hood”: Wolf may have engaged in digestion with an underaged woman on her way to visit an overaged woman.

“Matilda”: Underaged woman thinks too hard, is upset.

“Lolita”: Underaged woman abducted by regular-aged man.

“Tuck Everlasting”: Underaged woman could stay that way forever.

“Peanuts”: Underaged woman dispenses advice to, withholds football from male child

“From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler”: Underaged woman spends time with extremely, extremely overaged Egyptians.

“The Little Match Girl”: The Underaged Match Woman

“Hansel and Gretel”: Underaged woman and boy are almost involved in eating incident with candy-rich benefactor.

“Madeline” would read as follows:

“In an overaged house in Paris that was covered with vines

Lived 12 underaged women in two straight lines

In two straight lines they broke their underaged toast [bread]

And brushed their teeth and did the most.

They left the house at half before ten

To be subjected to the gaze of men.

The smallest one was Madeleine.”

You might need to change that vowel in her name, but it is worth it to use Approved Language. Otherwise, people might understand how horrible what you are talking about really is!

Of course, an alternative is to coin a term like “nymphet” but somebody else may have copyrighted that already.

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