Sell your cascading locks, quick, quick! (Lucas Jackson/Reuters)
Columnist

You may have seen the news: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez had the temerity to get a haircut in Washington for which she paid what seems like a relatively normal price for a D.C. mid-range salon. This was, indeed, a shameful act! She should have considered her options and chosen a haircut at a price point that would not lead us to cry foul! Certainly the amount she paid — $80 for the haircut, $160 for low-lights — is not the only amount one might pay. There are many good, cheaper options, as you will see!

$0 — Use a sword to chop off your own hair

Pros: Costs nothing!

Cons: If you don’t already own a sword, purchasing one can be expensive; works best if you are a cartoon character; resulting cut may be uneven.

$0 — Never cut hair, wear in long braid

Pros: Never have to pay for haircut.

Cons: Adventitious princes may attempt to climb hair.

$0 — Never cut hair, make no effort to maintain hair

Pros: People cannot be upset at the price you pay for haircut or maintenance …

Cons: … but will instead be mad at you for “showing disrespect” to your office.

$0 — Jealous friend sneaks up to you in the night and gives you a free bob!

Pros: Free, and you get to live in an F. Scott Fitzgerald story.

Cons: Have to spend years cultivating enemy-ship with Bernice; must go on record as opposing bobs.

-$25 — The Jo March (Convince a willing barber to buy your hair so as to help your family, as your father is away at the war.)

Pros: THEY PAY YOU! Compared to this, Jeff Sessions’s regular $20 haircut is downright WASTEFUL.

Cons: ALAS, YOUR ONE BEAUTY! YOUR CHESTNUT MANE! A WOMAN’S CROWNING GLORY!

-₣10 (francs) — The Fantine

Pros: Pays a debt; TEN FRANCS MAY SAVE YOUR POOR COSETTE!

Cons: Slippery slope to tooth-selling.

$20 — Go to the Capitol Hill barber

Pros: The same Jeff Sessions paid! No one can be upset at such frugality!

Cons: You will get same haircut as Jeff Sessions, and everyone will be upset.

$300+ — A normal haircut

Pros: Will probably look good?

Cons: Your beauty, augmented by the haircut, will be too powerful and will enrage people!

Don’t worry. There does exist, in the middle of this range, some number of dollars you can pay for a decent haircut that will not enrage people. This is not simply the consequence of being a woman in public, of leaving people enraged because you look good or enraged because you have not made what they deem a sufficient effort to look good. It’s fine!

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