We are blessed in our president! Hail to him! His touch turns everything to — not gold, exactly; we think it’s brass? He blessed the water and turned it into, well, not wine, but it is definitely not water, either. Okay, it may not be potable. But it is much better, probably, than what would have happened if he had not come and placed his hands upon it!
His skill and daring have averted the asteroid of electoral defeat, up to a point, so that the asteroid just impacted on the surface, reducing only several districts to craters, and not doing something even worse!
He mostly saved us from the jaws of failure, and by mostly, I mean not entirely, but that is only because we cannot know how bad it would have been had he not interposed his electoral body. Imagine! Not only would Gov. Matt Bevin not have won reelection, but also maybe he would never have been elected in the first place (what?), or maybe the earth would have opened up and swallowed him. Maybe a team of horses would have dragged him all the way to the sea to face Poseidon’s wrath, and as Kentucky is inconveniently located to the sea, this would have been extra bad had President Trump not shown up when he did.
I would be the second to admit that we lost the election in Kentucky. (Gov. Bevin will have to be the first, and he has not admitted that yet, and indeed there is always a question of whether any election not won by Republicans can be deemed fully legitimate. It certainly seems to me as though a lot of people voted, always a bad sign.) But there is no way to know just how great the defeat would have been if President Trump had not gone there, personally, and rallied people.
Our president was the only thing holding the situation together, making sure it was merely a debacle and not a fiasco. Or rather, merely a fiasco and not a debacle. Well, whichever of those it was, it was entirely President Trump’s doing. We ought to be grateful.
Read more from Alexandra Petri: