What are the contestants’ challenges? “Your team must keep President Trump from trying to purchase Greenland.” “Your team must humiliate Jeb Bush for one hour every week.” Why did Jeb agree to be on this show? No one understands.
Anyway, here are some other potential shows, should the president feel like branching out.
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire: The White House. Everyone is promised money but nobody ever receives it.
Couples Therapy: The White House. George and Kellyanne Conway just sit down and, like, explain what is going on.
The Masked Singer: The White House. Everyone is dressed as one of Melania’s nightmare Christmas trees. They do not sing, but make only a horrible humming noise that catches forever in the mind of anyone who hears it. “WHO IS IT?” Jenny McCarthy screams. “WHO IS IT? I KNOW THAT VOICE! OH MY GOD, WHO IS IT?”
Survivor: The White House. No one is ever eliminated because Trump refuses to acknowledge the authority of the Tribal Council.
Bill Nye the Science Guy: The White House. Bill Nye is trapped in an enormous net on camera and replaced with a large hunk of coal named Bill DeNye who shouts to anyone who will listen that there is no such thing as climate change and that it would be good if we killed all the egrets. He spends the next 14 episodes painstakingly hunting and butchering egrets and other charismatic megafauna.
Miss USA: The White House. The same as regular Miss USA, but it’s only the swimsuit competition, and when the contestants try to provide any substantive answers to questions, they are told to shut up.
American Idol: The White House. People burn everything of value to them and lay it at the feet of Donald Trump, reproduced in brass 18 stories high. If only the smoke reaches his nostrils, perhaps they will have his favor. Perhaps it will all be worth it.
Dancing with the Stars: The White House. Exactly the same, but no numbers are provided to vote for contestants who aren’t Sean Spicer.
Scandal: The White House. The real scandal is Hillary.
CNN: The White House. A 24-hour feed of Donald Trump delivering a speech describing what he thinks is going on in the news while CNN’s anchors are forced to suffer pain and humiliation in a small square at the bottom left of the screen.
Duck Dynasty: The White House. No changes.
Law & Order: SVU: White House. Every complaint is dismissed in the first four minutes, and the rest of the episode is footage of Brett Kavanaugh growing increasingly red in the face as he defends his reputation.
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