On a blank sheet of paper or candidacy filing form, complete these 33 prompts. Then, insert them in the announcement that follows. You are too late for New Hampshire, but I am sure that will not stop you.

  1. Adjective: How you feel now that yet another person is entering the primary. Be honest.
  2. Noun: “Billions of dollars,” if you have them. If not, a meaningless noun used in speeches.
  3. Adjective: Thing you somehow think you are but Elizabeth Warren isn’t.
  4. Noun: A time that you feel Joe Biden wants to take us to.
  5. Noun: A time that you want to take us to but Joe Biden doesn’t.
  6. Verb that means “disappear.”
  7. Verb that means “relax.”
  8. Adjective that could mean “weird” but you have taken to mean “encouraging.”
  9. Noun: Either a word that means nothing, or simply the word “nothing.”
  10. Proper Noun: A failed presidential candidate who lacked charisma.
  11. Proper Noun: A person as “authentic” as Al Gore but not more so.
  12. Adjective that means “buffoonish.”
  13. Adjective that also, when you come down to it, means “buffoonish.”
  14. Verb: What you do at Platform 9¾, full speed into a brick wall.
  15. Adjective that means laughable, unreal.
  16. Proper Noun: Person you should not listen to but many do.
  17. Adjective that does not describe climate change.
  18. Number greater than the chaotic number of Republican candidates in 2016, from which bedlam Trump emerged.
  19. Adjective that describes listening to your friend’s child’s long-winded story.
  20. Noun: Collective term for a group of billionaires.
  21. Noun: Safe, warm place.
  22. Proper Noun: Name of a place in Real America.
  23. Noun: A time of day.
  24. Noun in which you record events.
  25. Proper Noun: Monosyllabic first name of a man who you’d guess played lacrosse.
  26. Proper Noun that sounds like it could be a 1950s Cabinet secretary’s surname or an old refrigerator brand.
  27. Noun: A good thing a president should have.
  28. Noun: A body part.
  29. Verb: What a telemarketer call does during the dinner hour.
  30. Adjective that describes something that is disappointing but better than nothing.
  31. Verb for what gerrymandering does to elections.
  32. Verb for “to move forcefully from one place to another.”
  33. Noun: A bad place no one in their right mind should want to go.

Yes, I am entering the race. You’re [1, adjective].

I will bring [2, noun] to the race. Unlike Elizabeth Warren, I am [3, adjective]. Unlike Joe Biden, who will take us to [4, noun], I will take us to [5, noun]. I will not mention Mayor Pete or Cory Booker because what I have just said applies to both of them and if I remember their existence, my whole rationale for this campaign will [6, verb]. When billionaires are out walking with their money and see me, they visibly [7, verb]; also, I had a phone call with President Obama and it was [8, adjective]. I will bring [9, noun] to this race, just by being myself, and I will surely create a coalition. I combine the charisma of [10, proper noun] with the authenticity of [11, proper noun].

After I saw that Tom Steyer was doing this, I thought, “It is a(n) [12, adjective] idea for him, but it will be a(n) [13, adjective] idea for me!”

I am [14, verb]-ing because I received a(n) [15, adjective] letter from [16, proper noun], saying that all I had to do was get into the race and I would surely win. I have always believed that if I ever hinted at becoming president, lots of people would want me to lead them. This is definitely [17, adjective].

I also read somewhere that there needed to be at least [18, number] candidates, or something terrible would happen. No, I am not sure what. It is [19, adjective] that I’m here.

(If the candidate is a billionaire, add the following sentence: I am a billionaire, and I am fighting to protect my [20, noun], and our money-[21, noun].)

I hadn’t initially intended to run, but then I read an op-ed in the [22, proper noun] [23, noun] [24, noun] in which [25, proper noun] [26, proper noun] called in ringing terms for me to step forward, and I lack the [27, noun] not to answer.

I believe everything good that is said about me. I believe I am the solution. The siren song of the trail has reached my [28, noun], and I am going in. I am bold enough to believe that I am the right person to [29, verb] America with my [30, adjective] solutions. I alone can [31, verb] it.

I hope that you will [32, verb] me to [33, noun] — a high honor! It is the least I deserve.

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