“Ambassador Sondland Completely Exonerates President Trump of Any Wrongdoing"

— Statement from the White House press secretary

It is very easy not to be guilty of crimes! It is amazing that more people don’t take advantage of these very simple methods. You don’t even necessarily have to not do crimes! All you have to do is say, to someone — on the phone, or you can read it off a piece of paper — all you have to do is clarify that you are NOT doing a crime, by saying the word “NOT” in front of the crime that you are doing. Simple!

Say, for instance, if the wrongdoing you are accused of falls into the broad category of quid pro quo, then you would say: “I WANT NOTHING! I WANT NOTHING! NO QUID PRO QUO.” That’s it! As long as a recording exists somewhere of you saying “NO [NAME OF THE CRIME],” you are set.

This is how for instance if you are accused of possession with intent to distribute — well, hold on, that is not a good example, intent to distribute? That is a crime, to intend to do something? That seems — hmm.

Okay, well, I am pretty sure about this. If you catch somebody trying to steal a bunch of jewels, but they have not gotten away yet, you cannot charge them, because technically they did not steal anything. Technically the jewels are still there. Probably they were actually trying to do you a favor because a lot of jewels are cursed or come from unethical sources! But the point is: You cannot charge them with anything, because they did not do a crime. The only thing that would make their case more airtight would be if they had a recording of themselves saying “I WANT NOTHING! I WANT NOTHING! NO JEWEL THEFT!” Preferably on cable.

Here are some other ways to not do crimes:

  • If you do a crime, but the person who Jim Jordan thinks should be most bothered doesn’t tell Chris Murphy about it
  • If another person did something in the past that Devin Nunes is upset about (he won’t say exactly what)
  • If someone accuses you of a crime using synonyms
  • If your close associate states on the record, “SURE, WE DID A CRIME! THAT IS JUST HOW PEOPLE DO THINGS! GET USED TO IT!” but then, I guess, people forget(?)
  • If it results in somebody getting to move to a job at Georgetown University, was it really a bad thing to do?
  • If someone says you did a crime but they are not your friend
  • If when they are gathering evidence about your crime, Joe Biden’s son Hunter won’t testify about the things that he has done wrong in his life, they have to let you go

Some people would say, “But, wait, couldn’t you still have done the crime?” And the answer is: “Please! Not only do actions have no meaning, but words also have no meaning.”

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