In July 1973, after John Dean’s blockbuster testimony about the Watergate coverup, Post columnist Art Buchwald wrote a tongue-in-cheek column headlined “Response List for Nixon Backers.” (A tip of my fedora to Charlie Sykes of the Bulwark for flagging it.) “As a public service,” Buchwald wrote, “I am printing instant responses for loyal Nixonites when they are attacked at a party.” His very first item — “Everyone does it” — shows how little things have changed, while his most common trope — “What about Chappaquiddick?” — demonstrates that “whataboutism” wasn’t invented yesterday.

Herewith, as a public service, I am printing a list of excuses for loyal Trumpkins when they are attacked on Facebook or Twitter. (Note: Any resemblance between these “alternative facts” and actual facts is purely coincidental.)

1. The fact witnesses won’t say that President Trump should be impeached. So he’s innocent.

2. Is it a quid pro quo or bribery or extortion or a high crime or a misdemeanor or what? Democrats keep changing their story.

3. Trump never said, “I want a quid pro quo.” He doesn’t even speak Latin!

4. Trump is too stupid to carry off a quid pro quo.

5. Sure, it was a quid pro quo, but so what? Everyone does it. Get over it.

6. Democrats have been planning a coup since day one.

7. This is the latest hoax scandal. Why do Democrats keep accusing Trump of things?

8. Democrats are trying to get nude photos of Trump.

9. Ukraine, not Russia, interfered in the 2016 election. Trump was right to demand an investigation.

10. Ukraine got its aid in the end. Stop whining.

11. Trump has done more for Ukraine than President Barack Obama ever did. He sent missiles, not blankies and binkies.

14. All of the witnesses are Never Trump human scum — even the one who contributed $1 million to the Trump inaugural.

15. Sure, Army Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman is a war hero, but he wasn’t born around here, and he speaks foreign languages — with actual foreigners. You know what that means.

16. Vindman wears a uniform to testify. You know what that means, too.

17. George Kent drinks water and wears a bow tie. What the hell is wrong with that guy?

18. Marie Yovanovitch messed up Somalia, so Trump was right to fire her as ambassador to Ukraine.

19. Trump was elected to fire bureaucrats. Who cares what they say?

20. Gordon Sondland totally vindicated Trump. The impeachment hoax is over.

21. It’s all a “deep state” plot.

22. Christopher Steele, Nellie Ohr and Fusion GPS.

24. It was a perfect conversation.

25. The conversation was improper but not impeachable.

26. You can’t impeach before an election. Let voters decide.

27. Impeachment would overturn the last election.

28. Democrats are only doing this because they know Trump will win again.

29. Impeachment is too divisive. Let’s come together to worship Trump.

30. It’s all the fault of Sondland/Rudolph Giuliani/Mick Mulvaney/Rick Perry/[fill in the blank]. Trump hardly knows any of them. They’re coffee boys, basically.

31. But Crooked Hillary and her emails.

32. Sean Hannity says Trump is innocent.

34. You can’t impeach the greatest jobs president in history.

35. The hearings will tank the stock market and cause the worst recession ever.

36. The stock market just hit a new high.

37. If you impeach, the United States will turn into Venezuela.

38. Trump can’t be impeached because Republicans love him.

39. Only globalist elites want to impeach.

40. Secret hearings are unfair.

41. Public hearings are a television spectacle.

42. The ratings are low.

43. All of the testimony, even the firsthand testimony, is hearsay, but we don’t need to call any senior administration officials, because Trump is innocent.

44. The whistleblower complaint is worthless hearsay.

45. Why won’t Democrats call the whistleblower to testify? What are they hiding?

46. We’re not sure who the whistleblower is, but we are sure he is a protege of John Brennan and Joe Biden.

47. The House Intelligence Committee has no business investigating impeachment.

48. Obama did far worse by telling former Russian president Dmitry Medvedev that he could show “more flexibility” after the 2012 election.

49. Hunter Biden had a conflict of interest.

50. Joe Biden bribed Ukraine not to investigate Hunter.

51. The Ukrainians deny that they were blackmailed by their most important ally.

52. But Crooked Hillary and her emails.

53. "Shifty Schiff" lied about what Trump said. He’s the one who should be impeached!

54. The president has the absolute right to do anything in foreign affairs. Domestic affairs, too.

55. The president can’t be indicted or impeached unless he kills someone on Fifth Avenue, and actually, not even then.

56. Congress should be focusing on other priorities. Isn’t it infrastructure week? Or time to kill a gun control bill?

57. Impeachment can’t be partisan. If Republicans won’t go along, the case must be dismissed.

58. This falls short of the procedural standards set by the Nixon and Clinton impeachments.

59. Nobody knows where Ukraine is anyway.

60. Trump was just kidding about asking China to investigate Biden. Can’t you take a joke, sourpuss?

61. The world is laughing at us.

62. This scandal isn’t sexy. Boooring. No pizzazz!

63. I don’t like Trump but … at least he fights.

Read more: