It’s Your Own Set of Facts!
For too long, we have languished under the erroneous impression that “everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not his own facts.” This was depressing. Having to share facts with other people meant that, sometimes, your opinion was not as good as theirs. Sometimes, their opinions would be based on lots of facts, and your opinions would be based on no facts, and then they would be right, and you would be wrong.
Besides, which would you rather have: an old fact that everyone and his dog has known for years, or your own, brand new set of personal facts, just for you? Instead of tugging at the shared fabric of reality, like a blanket not big enough to cover your opinion, this is like a fact Snuggie. You don’t have to share! They’re custom!
From the people who brought you Alternative Facts, but also, somehow, from Russia, Your Own Set of Facts will transform the way you interact with the news, medical professionals and everyone around you.
Are you upset with how things are in the world? Are you scared of something that is, objectively, unreal? Do you wish that some things that did not happen had happened, and other things that happened had not happened?
For instance, it is the consensus of the entire U. S. intelligence community that Russia made efforts to interfere in the 2016 election. But would you prefer that it had been Ukraine instead?
Now, it can be, with Your Own Set of Facts! Pompeo used them to insist that we investigate Ukraine — as he points out, “America should leave no stone unturned, so whatever nation it is that we have information that so much as suggests that there might have been interference, or an effort to interfere in our elections, we have an obligation to make sure that the American people get to go to the ballot box, cast their ballots in a way that is unimpacted by these malevolent actors trying to undermine our western democratic values.” That’s right! No stone! There’s literally no way of telling what theory is good and worth investigating and what theory is based on nothing and is a waste of time! They’re all the same! Thanks, Your Own Set of Facts!
You can use these facts to build an unlimited number of scenarios. Maybe Hillary Clinton is a serial killer? Maybe President Obama is something even worse! Maybe the Earth is not impacted by man-made climate change, or even flat! With Your Own Set of Facts, the Earth can be any shape you want. And it can be any temperature you want, too! Also, you no longer need to worry about asteroids.
Give Your Own Set of Facts to your kids — it will help them understand your choice not to vaccinate them. Or hit the road; your facts are built to travel. They will go on TV with you, or you can leave them, unprompted, in a weird voice mail for a reporter. For a special fee, you can even get your doctor to put them in a note!
The sky’s the limit with Your Own Set of Facts. Or something even higher than the sky, that you just make up!
Frequently Asked Questions about Your Own Set Of Facts
Q: Are these just lies?
A: Sometimes! But with them, you can create a whole imaginary universe to share with friends! Combine your set of facts with your friends’ sets of facts to build a whole media ecosystem!
Q: What can I use these facts for?
A: Imagine being able to say anything — literally anything! — and for it to be, automatically, true! Well, not true. But just as true as anything believed by anyone else! Use Your Own Set of Facts to:
- win arguments
- pollute without guilt
- spur investigations — into NOTHING
- make only 20 percent of Americans favor impeachment, rather than a majority
That’s right — if we sell enough of these, objective reality will CEASE TO EXIST!
Q: Will these personal facts protect me from consequences? If I want to believe that I can stick my hand on a hot stove, will my set of facts make that safe to do?
A: According to my personal set of facts, they sure will!
At first, there was shame around having a set of facts that most people did not have. But now, they are small and portable and, most important, for everyone — not just Fox News, but Facebook (despite many people’s best efforts)! This holiday season, ask yourself: What kind of world do you want to live in? Isn’t it one in which Donald Trump is the most beloved president of all time? Or even one in which he was sent by God? Stop waiting on reality to catch up. Get Your Own Set of Facts today.
(Your Own Set of Facts also available in other political varieties; limited quantity only.)
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