Dear Friends Acquaintances and Soon-to-Be-Forgotten Business Associates,

Best regards of the season from our family to yours! What a year it has been! 2019 saw a lot of changes around here. We became Florida residents. (Spiritually, we had dwelt in Florida for a long time.) We said goodbye to our old friend Sarah and many meaningless traditions she had been the last one to cling to, like the holding of regular news conferences. We decluttered many things around the house, including but not limited to most of the State Department, which we hope to have entirely eliminated come next fall!

The kids have had a big year! Ivanka is still enjoying her work as a senior adviser to the president of the United States, and, as an added bonus for her, she gets to see her dad whenever she’s at work. She has gotten to sit in some chairs at important summits, and sitting in chairs has always been a passion with her. Her husband, Jared, is continuing his important work in conflict resolution; he hopes to succeed where others have failed for centuries, and he made a really cool video. He has taken on a lot this year, but if anyone can handle it, it’s this guy! And he keeps making friends all around the world.

This has been a very big year for Donald Jr., who published his first book, “Triggered: How the Left Thrives on Hate and Wants to Silence Us.” It is a bestseller, and people love it so much that they have ordered enormous bulk boxes of it to fill their offices and warehouses. Don Jr. is very proud of this achievement.

Eric, as always, has been busy with business. Some people would have viewed impeachment proceedings against Dad as a big downer; not Eric, who saw them as an opportunity to promote Trump Wine! This is the kind of spirit that has always secured Eric his spot among our Top 5 most favored children.

Tiffany!

Melania has been exploring her creative side, and this year’s White House decorations are her most exciting yet. The Washington Post called them “monochromatic” and “decorations.” She plans to spend many happy hours walking alone and unsmilingly through them in a coat, something she looks forward to every year.

We did not get a dog this year, although we briefly brought one to the White House to thank it for its service. Its name is Conan, and it is a hero. Donald insists on referring to it as “it,” so that’s how we’re doing it in this card!

Donald’s year has been a little ruff, as Conan would say. (This is not true; Conan is trained not to speak unless commanded.) He is still being hunted by witches, in spite of his best efforts.

They have wanted to impeach him ever since he was elected, on the grounds that he ran on a platform that he would do creepy, autocratic things, and they were worried that he would do them despite congressional Republicans’ best efforts to hold him accountable. But they were wrong. He is doing them, and congressional Republicans have actually been very encouraging. He hopes that the impeachment will be over soon so that things can get back to normal, and he is looking forward to campaigning next year against one of a series of people he has given personalized nicknames.

He also wants to say thank you for all the lovely gifts, to those who succeeded in giving him his favorite present, election interference, as well as to those who only tried. It’s the thought that counts! And there’s always next year. He hopes everyone’s new judges arrived okay — he worked hard to get those out in time this year. Enjoy at your leisure. They’ll last a lifetime!

We hope that you enjoy a new year filled with perfect calls and emoluments!

Be best,

The Trumps

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