I am very sorry about this column, which is a mistake and should not have happened, but which also I am sending to everyone who usually receives these columns. This is the high level of professionalism I bring to things!

The opinions contained in this column are, it turns out, not my opinions! So, whoops. I hope you weren’t having to base any concrete actions on this. What can I say? Thank goodness nothing was at stake in this situation!

Can you imagine if this were to happen in real life?

“We didn’t mean to declare independence, actually; this letter was a draft and should not have been circulated.” “This tattoo is a draft.” “The order I placed for 60 lifelike replicas of myself in fondant was actually a draft order and should not have gone through. I will not pay for the replicas if they arrive.” “When I said there were weapons of mass destruction — that was a draft and should not have been circulated.”

The draft letter you received was actually a draft letter. Hmm, this is confusing. You’d better get a draft deferral and hope it’s not a draft deferral.

This ballot was a draft and should not have been circulated. This presidency was a draft and should not have been circulated. This transcript was a draft and should not have been circulated. This chapter of history was a draft and should not have been circulated.

Fortunately no higher-stakes version of this has happened. Fortunately this is a joke. If it weren’t a joke, it would not be funny.

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