USA, TODAY — Millions of Americans who opposed President Trump’s decision to kill Iranian Maj. Gen. Qasem Soleimani in a drone strike were devastated to learn that, actually, they loved the terrorist leader and could not possibly oppose this move for any other reason.
“Honestly,” Ann American said, “I could not have picked the guy out of a lineup a week ago, and my reservations around his killing were that it felt like a dangerous escalation that could lead to war, but it turns out that I’m actually a big fan of his who is sorry that he is dead. That’s the only reason I’m upset about this. Who knew! And I hate America? I need to buy very different lawn decorations."
Homes were rocked by the revelation. “I thought I was in love with my wife,” Greg Gregson said. “We’ve been married 30 years, and I thought we had something, but …” Greg sighed. “I guess that wasn’t really love. All this time, I’ve been in love with terrorists. But the really devastating thing is — so has she. I just wish we’d been able to talk to each other instead of finding this out the way we did, by watching Rep. Doug Collins speak to Lou Dobbs on the Fox Business channel. She is upstairs packing her things while I drink this iced tea and shed bitter tears.”
“Never oppose what the president chooses to do,” Gregson added, taking a sip of his iced tea and shedding a bitter tear. “It could — your whole marriage could be wrecked in the blink of an eye.”
Upstairs, Gregson’s wife, Angela Gregson, finished packing a box of clothes and wiped her face on her sleeve. “I don’t know when we’re going to tell the kids,” she said. “I am sure they will have questions: ‘How many terrorists, Mom and Dad? The same ones? Individual terrorists, or just terrorists as a broad concept?’ I am not even sure myself of the answers. I wish they had explained more, before they tore this family apart.”
The entire Democratic primary field was shaken by the revelation, especially Pete Buttigieg, who assuredly would not have joined the military had he realized his deep passion for America’s destruction.
Neighborhood resident Evelyn What debated whether to take down her flag. “I thought I was just criticizing an action by the president that seemed shortsighted and could potentially cost a lot of lives,” she observed. “To think I could have gone my whole life not realizing that I despised this country and its way of life! I’d better call work and tell them to revoke my security clearance.”
“Certainly came as a shock to me,” observed one American who opted to remain nameless, now that he knew he was a supporter of terror. “Here I was thinking that as an American, I could criticize the decisions of our elected officials, but it turns out that I am with the terrorists.” He sighed, adding apologetically that it had been so long since 2003, he had forgotten how these things went.