I think we can all agree: This is a moment of serious crisis for our nation. Did the president almost definitely commit an impeachable offense? Is something terrifying going on in the White House, probably at this very moment, that should fill all with shock and alarm?
I am just following in the footsteps of American heroes such as Paul Revere, who, when he saw that the British were coming, immediately rushed to his horse, leaped on its back and went galloping off to his publisher to deliver a manuscript warning of this emergency, to be published within the year. I am only behaving like other heroes whose names will ring down the ages, like Anonymous White House Official.
I have witnessed things that are of acute concern to everyone in this country, and to find out what they were, you had better agree to fund my musical, which will not only reveal why the president is a danger to the union, but also will do so in a series of toe-tapping songs. The nation is on the precipice — which, coincidentally, is also the title of my graphic novel, due to come out in installments starting in spring 2021, each one of which would make absolutely essential testimony in an impeachment trial. Do I have evidence that could bring down a presidency? To find the answer to this question, you’ll have to buy a ticket to my one-man show, “I Have Evidence That Could Bring Down a Presidency.”
Look, this is a critical moment in our nation’s history. Now is a time for people of good will to do the right thing, without any thought of reward — coincidentally, the title of the roman à clef I am penning that will describe in even more detail everything unthinkable and wrong that has occurred behind these White House doors, just with punny fake names (Mike Pencil!).
I am deeply, convulsively, alarmingly concerned at all that is going on, and I am doing my patriotic duty. Order a copy of my book now, and for a limited time only, I’ll also throw in an audio cassette on which the president confides to me a totally unexpected and different crime that he has additionally committed!
Volunteer this information now? For free? Absolutely not. Do you genuinely think that somebody who would just do the right thing not in a self-motivated fashion would be in the Trump administration in the first place?