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Opinion I’m very worried about this president. Buy my book to find out why!

From the dust jacket! (Brendan Smialowski/AFP via Getty Images)
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I think we can all agree: This is a moment of serious crisis for our nation. Did the president almost definitely commit an impeachable offense? Is something terrifying going on in the White House, probably at this very moment, that should fill all with shock and alarm?

To find out, you’d better buy my book! It comes out in … two to six months, when you can read more about the PRESSING NATIONAL EMERGENCY from the grips of which I only hope we will be able to extricate ourselves before serious damage is done to this republic. On Kindle, it’s just $16.99, and if you preorder it, I will start work on a sequel, “Other Crimes the President Did, That I Know About, About Which It Has Not Occurred to Me to Come Forward.” This could be a series, if we’re lucky!

The latest Trump impeachment trial updates

I am just following in the footsteps of American heroes such as Paul Revere, who, when he saw that the British were coming, immediately rushed to his horse, leaped on its back and went galloping off to his publisher to deliver a manuscript warning of this emergency, to be published within the year. I am only behaving like other heroes whose names will ring down the ages, like Anonymous White House Official.

I have witnessed things that are of acute concern to everyone in this country, and to find out what they were, you had better agree to fund my musical, which will not only reveal why the president is a danger to the union, but also will do so in a series of toe-tapping songs. The nation is on the precipice — which, coincidentally, is also the title of my graphic novel, due to come out in installments starting in spring 2021, each one of which would make absolutely essential testimony in an impeachment trial. Do I have evidence that could bring down a presidency? To find the answer to this question, you’ll have to buy a ticket to my one-man show, “I Have Evidence That Could Bring Down a Presidency.”

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Look, this is a critical moment in our nation’s history. Now is a time for people of good will to do the right thing, without any thought of reward — coincidentally, the title of the roman à clef I am penning that will describe in even more detail everything unthinkable and wrong that has occurred behind these White House doors, just with punny fake names (Mike Pencil!).

I am deeply, convulsively, alarmingly concerned at all that is going on, and I am doing my patriotic duty. Order a copy of my book now, and for a limited time only, I’ll also throw in an audio cassette on which the president confides to me a totally unexpected and different crime that he has additionally committed!

Volunteer this information now? For free? Absolutely not. Do you genuinely think that somebody who would just do the right thing not in a self-motivated fashion would be in the Trump administration in the first place?

President Trump's impeachment defense could create a dangerous precedent, says constitutional law professor Jonathan Turley. (Video: Joy Yi, Kate Woodsome, Jonathan Turley/The Washington Post, Photo: Jacquelyn Martin/AP/The Washington Post)

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Read more:

If you were a senator, what would you ask in the impeachment trial?

Jennifer Rubin: John Bolton could be Trump’s John Dean

Eugene Robinson: If John Bolton doesn't testify, it’s a coverup, not a trial

Dana Milbank: Trump’s lawyers suffer from Bolton-induced amnesia

Kathryn Railsback: Senators confronting impeachment can learn from my father’s example in Watergate

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Read the transcript of Alexandra Petri’s Jan. 28 chat: The time warp