With apologies to Stephen Sondheim.

CABLE NEWSCASTER: Bless this day!

Striking lots of notes,

Pinnacle of votes.

This first of primary states

Is great, we say.

PUNDIT: Today is for Amy!

Amy, consider just what has occurred.

The voters, I guess, like you,

So here is some momentum!

Today is for Amy,

Who’s placed a respectable third.

KLOBUCHAR: Pardon me, is everybody here? Because if everybody’s here, I’d like to thank you all

For going out and voting.

I’d appreciate donations even more,

I mean, you must have lots of money left to give

And not a dollar, please, to Pete!

Remember Pete? You know, the man I hope to outlast in the race because I can’t believe you’re voting for a Model U.N. member.

But I thank you all for your joy or ambivalence!

Thank you all for the delegate equivalents!

I can say that I won in New Hampshire today.


New Hampshire’s biggest fan!

(That one didn’t scan.)

The Granite State has the art

To jump-start


AMY: Listen, everybody, look, I don’t know what you’re waiting for.

The caucus? What’s a caucus? It’s a prehistoric ritual

Where everybody wants electability forever,

Which is maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard,

And which is followed by some vetting and then suddenly they’ll realize

They’re saddled with a man who’s 38 or that plus 40.

Listen, thanks a bunch and I’m off to Nevada!

Dodged the crunch and I’m off to Nevada!

I won’t tire, I’m off to Nevada!

I’m not Steyer, I’m off to Nevada!

I can say that I won in New Hampshire today.

Gone! Yang is gone

With his gang, Bennet, Booker, too,

And Harris not there,

Though there’s still Vermin Supreme.

I’ll repeat: There is Pete,

Who, I guess, read a book or two —

James Joyce! That’s a choice!

Why’s he getting all the steam?

Listen, everybody, while you’re sitting in this ballroom,

Do we really have to talk about what happened with the salad and

The staffer and the comb, which I agree was not the finest

In the panoply of moments that I’ve lived upon this planet,

But consider that the president is literally pardoning a felon as we speak or maybe two or maybe seven.

I have time, I’m still learning, New Hampshire.

If you don’t feel the Berning, New Hampshire,

Tell your friends of our news in New Hampshire:

Not quite won but not through in New Hampshire,

Close to Pete, who was two in New Hampshire today!

CABLE NEWSCASTER: Bless this race

Let’s see what we’ve got:

Hardly any plot.

And bless this new narrative

That may live —

Or not.

(PUNDIT sings in background about “lanes.”)

KLOBUCHAR: Liz?! Not my biz!

But, some whiz, please explain why it is

Me, and not she

Who is on the upward mount?

Why her maps say collapse

When (with apps!) it is plain to me,

That in Iowa I

Got a smaller voter count?

Look, it may be weird, but there’s no time to mull it over.

We have got to keep on rolling always upward, always forward

Always onward never backward and diagonally never

Do not dream of going sideways (that’s for losers!). Now I’m ready for the

Six remaining caucuses and forty-something primaries and fifty-something preference polls and sixty-something comb utensils

PUNDIT: One more thing:

AMY: So I thank you, New Hampshire!

PUNDIT: Deftly said!

AMY: And I love you, New Hampshire!

PUNDIT: She’s surging!

AMY: And I’ll miss you, New Hampshire!

PUNDIT: (But Pete’s ahead.)

AMY: Really, thank you New Hampshire!

PUNDIT: Now she’ll say …

AMY: … that I won in New Hampshire today!

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